saya bosan di office!

What do you call this?

I don't know whether to be happy or to be sad. There are times that I feel like I'm mad, raging over stupid things like, "my boyfriend doesn't understand me" or "he's an ass" kind of feeling and the next thing I know, I'm calling him to say sorry or even to say to him how much I love him. But, that is not the topic for the day.

Well, I bought 2 wonderful magazines today. One is Cleo and the other is Female, the bumper issue. The reason why I bought Cleo was that it always include topics and little quizzes about life that I often relate to mine. As for the Female mag, well, I thought that it's cheap. It's a bumper issue and it costs only RM8! ha-ha

I read sections by sections and it came across me that I love the things that they have in there. The issues are written tremendously genius! The female writers really inspire me. But, that is not the point either. (talking about snippets in mags, these apparent paragraphs are somewhat similar)

The end of the semester is just around the corner and I'm about to be jobless soon. Though I am convinced that there are tons of schools and institutions are going to hire me as soon as they heard the news about me 'lepaking' at home doing nothing. But my dad has fixed me with his new plan. The plan where he wants me to further my masters in France, INALCO to be exact and learn French. The totally opposite of my passion and the things that I have been studying and good in for the past 22 years, the English language. Then, when I come back, he wants me to work in Penang, USM and be part of the School of Language (Translation and Interpretation)'s family which I don't really feel the eager to do so. I'm just too scared to say 'I don't want to' and at the same time, I really, really, REALLY don't feel like going.

Now, here's the part where reading the mags is playing inside my mind on how to change the idea of getting out from Malaysia. I think I want to write articles. Although I do think this is a little bit berserk and not to mention, pathetic. I just don't see myself teaching other languages than English. It's true that I like languages. Learning foreign languages is like learning a new culture and be part of it. But at the age of 23, doing what you love and being good at it simply makes you feel you are in love with yourself. You don't need anyone else to tell you what do you want or when to do it anymore.

It is like being at the top of the world and conquering your own fate and fear. It was hard enough for me to start where I am already now, and I don't think that by teaching French or learning the language and its culture again is going to make me such a better person. I have to admit that I am not really a risk-taker. I'd prefer to be in my own comfort-zone. Not to say that I don't want to get out of it, but if you can stay comfortable and not facing those life-challenges and get screwed up with a lot of hardships and entanglement, why should I get out? Right? Am I right?

I don't know where did I leave my conscience. I don't know what to think. The end of semester is coming, and I have to decide and let my father knows about it pronto! He's been texting me and reminding me to set a date with the person in charge and to make sure that I get the grants and he wants to send me off to the airport, and bye-bye Malaysia, bonjour, Paris! sigh...

Sitting in the office or at home, writing about female issues like the writers in Cleo or Female does sound intriguing. But the question here, layak ke?

self-rewarding?

I am proud to announce that I spontaneously planned a mini getaway with wan elly yesterday evening. We were both broke, with very little money left to be spent in two weeks time before the pay day comes we managed to rent a car, siap-siap, dressed-up nicely and went to Ipoh.

I have never done this before. Knowing me, I'm a shy, no self-confident or even a little esteem about doing any adventurous and not to mention, spontaneous decision like what I did today. I prefer to be in the safe zone, that so-called, "comfort zone" but something got into me and my sense said, "Jom keluar tonight!"

I thought that both of us, wan elly and me need a little of extrinsic motivation in order for us to mark that bundles of exam papers! I'm not complaining but to read a piece of essay that contains 80% grammatical errors and 99.9% errors in sentence structure, I say, I'd rather hide in the cave than marking those scripts! We have at least 40 students to a code and we have to mark at least four classes. You do the math. How many do you think?

If I have the formula, the marking may look something like this:

(40 Reading + 40 Writing) x (crappy essays) x 4 = shot in the head? or can you just please, kill me now.

So, the jalan-jalan was fun! Wan Elly said, "aku rasa muda malam ni!"

jyeahhh!! I felt the same! It has been awhile I went out late at night and not to worry whose sending me or picking me up later. Just like the usual thing that I did back when we were studying.

Ohh...how I miss those days!

while marking the papers

Life has been so hard for the both of us. Being so far away from one another is unbearable. The fact that eating alone without you itself has been torturing me ever since. All this while our nights are filled with hanging out together, chilling and talking hours and hours and now we have to be drifted apart from one another and had to see each other only once a week. There are so many things to talk about, there are so many places to go and there are not enough time in the world to spend with you. Call me crazy, call me pathetic, call me whatever you want to call me but this is the truth. I bet anyone in this world has encountered with this kind of feeling or yet to discover it themselves.

I know I have been such an emotional b*^&h this few weeks and I am really sorry about that. The workloads, heartaches, longing and the thinking of you going back to Langkawi, are just too much for me to think about. I'm helpless when I'm without you. So, I beg you stay wherever you are right now. I know it's hard but that's how life should be. Life can never be all merry and jovial, you have to taste the bitter side of it once in a while. Though I know you have tasted plenty of it, take that as tests from Him. It shows that He loves you more than anyone else in the world. He wanted you to be patient and always have faith in him. One day, you'll see how these hardships have taught you a lot about life.

Do not get easily affected with being at the bottom right now. As I have already told you, you are one lucky basterd (mind my language). You'll get your charm right after those sorrows so no need to be grumpy and being such an ass to me. (hehe) I know you'll get through it just like you always do. I know you can love. Just be patience ok?

I know you know about this but let me just remind you again,

I'm always here and I'm not going anywhere. You are my hero and I will always heart you LM.

aku kebal weh

Massive miscommunication. He thinks he is the only person who's hurt.

Aku tak la. Aku ni hati batu, kebal.

Like what he always told me, "You mesti tak dengar kan apa I ckp td", "You mesti tak paham apa yang I ckp kan?", "Ape lagi you nak I buat? Dah ckp kan mcm ni, mcm tu, Dah la!"

And when I asked him, "Tak boleh ckp elok-elok ke?" or "nape nak jerit-jerit nih?"

He will say, "Dah I ckp elok-elok, baik-baik, you tak dengar/tak paham"

Ye la. Dia perempuan. Dia sensitif. Dia emosi lebih.

Aku laki. Aku hati kebal. Aku kan THE BIG D. memang.

You told me to leave. Taknak pujuk katanya. "Dah la. Dah PENAT pujuk" kata dia.

So, here's my answer, OK. I'm leaving. Tak perlu pujuk. Sebab, I bukan perempuan. I'm the tough one. Tak kisah bab-bab ni.

Dah biasa.