life as a 'siti'

Recipe sharing #1 - Thai Steamboat Dipping Sauce

2012-01-24T03:26:00.003+08:00

Hello people. I shall update a whole new category of entries from now on. So, for a start, to those who love to eat steamboat - the Chinese style, Thai style, Japanese style or even the Korean style, I'm here to enlighten your taste buds into trying to dip all of those beautiful, fresh, amazing seafood, beef strips, chicken, lamb and veges with this Thai Dipping Sauce!

I was pretty much inspired by our (me and Farid) favourite Thai Steamboat Restaurant; Johnny's Steamboat. Well, to be honest, the place isn't that good but not so bad either. The selection of items for the steamy soup "skin-dipping" session may be a little bit limited. Even the fresh beef is not that fresh. Some of the items we usually have would be the fish noodles, Enoki mushrooms, and lots and lots of fish cakes/balls. The soup is acceptable to our tongues - not too salty and not that tasteless like some other steamboat restaurants we went before.

*Veges, some balls and tofu!

*Put EVERYTHING into the pot!

*Photos are taken by dad and I got it from him!

Mostly, we love the dipping sauce that we had gone crazy eating at other Steamboat Restaurants not tasting the same like theirs! So, in solution, I tried googling and recreating the dipping sauce during the Chinese New Year dinner with my family and well, I think it tasted almost the same! Except for I was lied by Mom saying that we have a full bottle of Sesame oil at home and to find none in the kitchen.

If you have a Steamboat pot at home, try preparing all the ingredients you love (I'd go for Enoki mushrooms and lots of BEEF!), make some chicken stock or any seafood or beef broth and the sauce yourselves!

I'm sorry that I don't have the pictures at the moment since I am an amateur and since I've never really thought of doing this in the first place. I promise to upload the cooking/preparing/serving in the next recipe!

Ingredients needed:

Group A

4 tomatoes
2 cloves of garlic
A handful of chilli padi (depending on how hot you want your sauce)
2 cm of ginger
2.5 cm of galangal or lengkuas
2 lemongrass or serai
An onion
Coriander leaves
2-3 cups of water
3 tbs of olive oil
Salt and sugar

Group B

4 lime (get the juices)
3 tbs of Nempla or the Thai Fish Sauce
3 tbs of Sesame oil and seeds (which my Mom lied to me so didn't put any but if you put this, your dipping sauce will definitely taste more authentic!)
3 tbs of Cooking vinegar
2 tsp of Cayenne Pepper
2 tsp of Paprika
Salt and sugar to taste
This is optional but if you want to make your sauce thicker, you could either put a tsp of corn flour or 2-3 tbs of that Thai Chilli Sauce

Here are the steps to make the magic:

Heat up a pot and pour in olive oil. Then, saute all of the ingredients from Group A for 5-6 minutes. Add the water and let them simmer. Add salt and sugar to taste. Don't overcook the tomatoes. Take it off from the heat and let them cold for a while.
Next is to blend all cooked ingredients earlier on in your food processor. You probably don't want to add anymore water as the cooked ingredients, especially the tomatoes are now juicy and wet! You don't want to dip your food in soup now do you?
When you have food-processed everything, pour back into the pot on a slow heat. Now, challenge your taste bud. Try and put the ingredients in B and get the taste right!
Of course, some of you might like it extra hot, so add more of the Cayenne and Paprika. But if you prefer it to be sour, add more of the cooking vinegar or the lime juice. So as to those who love salty and fishy dipping sauce!
To serve this dipping sauce, pour it nicely into the sauce plate and pour a bit of the sesame oil and seeds and some chopped coriander leaves!

You can add the sauce into your soup so it will taste more spicy or you could just dip your fish cakes/balls in it! Whichever way you're having it, you'll love it!

Good luck to those who are brave enough to try. I've tried and I succeed. And mom and dad let me take the steamboat pot home. So, guess what dish I'll prepare for Farid once we're married?

Hugs.

Approximately lagi 4 bulan..

2012-01-16T11:07:00.000+08:00

...aku akan kahwin. Unlike others, they are pretty excited updating their blogs, twitters, facebook status and whatnot about the upcoming event, I chose not to. It's not because I'm not excited, I'm UBER, superbly excited about it but I'm restraining myself to show that look on my face (most probably because I'll be even more annoying with it). And mostly because I really want to make this thing happen this time; no heartbreaks, no fights, no "terasa-hati", and no other negative-related kind of feelings from me (or my family side) to others and vice versa.

I want to make my relationship with Farid to be halal ASAP! I want him to be the imam of my new family in-the-making. Leading me and my children (InsyaAllah) towards Jannah and the better way of life. I can't hardly wait for that. But maybe I've grown up after all these years and writing, or telling the whole world (or even here in the blog) about what's going on in my life every single second, isn't my cup of tea anymore.

Maybe I'm seeing things differently now. What's good in telling about what's going on or what will happen to others and especially to some strangers, unknown people, reading your blog. I'll be blessed if those who read pray for my well being but what if it goes the other way round?

Well, maybe it's just me. A bit bitter and paranoid these days. Whatever it is, I just hope that the preparation is going to be sailing smoothly and of course, memorable! And lagi satu, a success!

Jom nyanyi; "Yay! yay! nak kahwin! Yay! yay! nak kahwin! Yay! yay! nak kahwin! Yay! yay! nak kahwin!"

Serius ke weh??!

2011-12-19T15:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been encountering a funny feeling of; you know that there's a weird, annoying, evil thing is going to happen but it is not saliently spoken or shown yet you are too convinced about your senses?

Yes, I am having that now. This annoying little thing that is going to happen is going to be so shitty and I know more people are gonna be hurt but I am just too lazy to even say a word about it.

What more appropriate I could do? Give advice? That is already sounded stupid.

Stop it from happening? It might be a good idea if I have devised a strategic plan and the problem is clearly stated.

All in all, I just want to speak this thing here ambiguously so NO ONE understands it. So I won't hurt anyone's feeling; the person who's gonna do the evil nor the victim.

One clue I could state is that this evil plan by someone may involve hearts, and it absolutely involves a man and a woman.

Enough clue?

Booked!

2011-11-22T10:23:00.001+08:00

I'll let the picture tells you the story.

The end.

Mundaneness is messing up in my head

2011-10-24T17:56:00.000+08:00

Hello blog.

After so many days of hiatus, today I feel like writing up an entry again.

Please don't ask me why have I been missing from writing. I didn't really have the time nor the passion to write anymore. But today, I think I need to say something.

As many people have already known, I am a Sagittarian. I prefer actions, challenges, unexpected incidents in life. And this is due to my nature of fire. Plus, I was born in the year of tiger. So, doing the same things day after day won't really work on me.

When the days of that mundane feelings come to me, I'd be the most bitchy person ever lived! I don't know why probably it is just hormonal and it could probably due to that easily-triggered-crankiness that I have been born with all this time.

This time of the year (or probably just week), when I'm such a bitch, I know that I am also being a pain in the ass especially to my dear Mr. F. I don't want to do it but it is just deliberately unavoidable.

I know that I make him feel sad when this does happen. I want to avoid it but it keeps coming every month!

I don't deserve such sweet, loving person. He will be eagerly waiting and patiently calming me down. He will eventually make me smile by the end of that miserable day. But I know this has to stop. I hate the fact that I always hurt him. Who wouldn't?

I told him today that I need to do something with my life. Instead of using the verb, "want" I said, I "need". I have lost the spark. The spark to motivate myself, the spark to challenge myself, the spark to even feel overly-joyful when I do something that is beyond my capability! I need that spark again.

I need to do something that could distract me from thinking about this awful place where I'm working in now. I need to do something to just intrinsically adds up to my motivation to become a better person, a better daughter, a better teacher and of course a better sister and girlfriend so that I won't feel so miserable whenever that I mistreat my boyfriend.

As I love mon amour so dearly, at times I think to myself, I don't deserve such great companion like him.

That's what I wanted to write about today and let it be just it for today.............

Ps. My boss managed to put up a little smile on our faces probably thinking that most of us were too serious doing our jobs late at this hour. I hate my workplace but I can never hate the people working in it especially those who are in my department. They are just a bunch of nice people. And I still need that spark.

Bye now.

Rambling thoughts 7

2011-09-08T11:19:00.002+08:00

I was having a cup of coffee up in the Plaza where I work now with Farid and Nora this morning. Together with the coffee we had our usual Malay breakfast; Nasi Lemak and Kuay Teow. As usual, although I was with them, having breakfast, chatting and all, I was still able to put on my thinking hat (space out/auto-pilot mode).

Well, there are a lot of things running inside my head every time.

The things that I'm not supposed to have inside my head at all. Those rambling, random thoughts that I usually have in the morning (and perhaps afternoon, evening, and even at night).

I was thinking about the students who were walking passed us, looking all hot and dashing, all fashionista with branded outfits, handbags, mobile phones and all. These students, they are so stinking rich that at times, I had an imagination of them throwing their dollar bills up in the air and let people grab and go just like that. One thing about my personal trait that I don't really fancy; overly dramatic imagination. Though they are stinking rich, I'm sad to acknowledge that these students, they are not really that smart. Well, probably not all, some of them are not really that smart.

What do I mean by "smart"? Take this as an example; ~~using~~ copying Wikipedia's website for their assignments and claim it was originally written by them, forgetting the fact that I used to study in a university and probably had done those things too. But at least, those days, me and my friends, we "borrowed" the works of others wisely rather than stupidly copy the whole thing and get caught red handed.

Despite of all their stupidity in ~~copying~~ completing their assignments, there are also those who are really committed to their studies. They take things very serious and have been doing such tremendous job at finishing their assignments. I must say, so far, I am so proud of my Architecture students. They have been showing a great deal of interests in my teachings and by far, the most diligent and critical students. One of the assignments they have to complete this semester is that Argumentative Essay and most of them have been providing me with an insightful of thoughts and arguments of the topics chosen earlier.

I like this positive air and feeling I have inside especially when the students are interested with what I'm teaching. It's not really easy to teach rich kids. Or should I say, LUCT students? They have high demands of the way you teach and even the way you treat them. In my defence, I struggled to get the perfect momentum to teach here. It's not an easy task when you're bombarded with a lot of provocative questions and acts of your credibility to teach them especially when they see you, a new, raw, young tutor and they can actually "sniff" your fear and low self-confidence!

Alhamdulillah that I have managed to encounter that phase. I know I'm getting there. My dad did posted an entry in his blog wishing that I'll become like Adibah Amin, a charismatic former teacher, writer of As I was passing by and many other great writings but I'm not sure about the writing part. I'll probably be an educator as long as I could but as a writer? I have to say, it's not an easy thing to do. You have to be very talented in writing and I am not talented at all. All I could do is write up my rambling thoughts and I could never be as good as her. She wrote magnificent stories about life, about people, about her and I don't even have any story to tell.

So, I think I'll stick to writing in this small, hiding place of mine. Well, I've tried hiding it from a lot of people but they still found it. Should really consider call it something else, other than hiding place lah!

Are you different from me or am I different from you?

2011-09-06T17:59:00.001+08:00

How different one can be from the other.

That is one thought that I had in mind immediately after I watched "Mualaf".

But I'm not trying to promote or to prove a point here. I know a lot of you out there have already watched it and this was my first time watching it and yes, it really is heart-throbbing. And funny at the same time.

The message Mak Yasmin was trying to say is that, God exists but probably in different ways/figures but He does exist. We can't see Him obviously. He's too divine that He appears in all sorts of figures and even holy books.

Yes, I was born a Muslim and I have never thought of changing my religion to other. But I respect other religions as I expect them to respect mine. I learned from my religious teacher before, that Tauhid (Islamic Monotheism) has three aspects; Ar-Rububiyyah; Oneness of the Lordship of Allah, to believe that there is only one Lord for all universe; Allah, Al-Uluhiyyah; to believe that none has the right to be worshipped (eg. praying, invoking, asking for help from the unseen, swearing, offering sacrifice, giving charity, fasting, pilgrimage) but, Allah and Al-Asma' was Sifat; Oneness of the Names and the Qualities of Allah.

(The Noble Qur'an; English translation of meanings and commentary)

To be honest, I'm not that good with Islam. I have no idea or whatsoever about which verse in the Qur'an that tells the story of zina and its punishment to the wrong-doers. But I like to read it from time to time. So, if I were to look for a guide of which is right, which is wrong, I'd definitely refer to the Qur'an Al-Karim.

What is so interesting with the film by Mak Yasmin is that she was able to intrigue my mind and heart again into going to the library in my office and get the Tafsir Qur'an and read it.

I'm not reviewing about the film nor writing about the plot as I want you to go ahead and watch it for yourself. You might think that this is another one of those Sepet, Gubra or revolutionary film written by Mak Yasmin. But yes, it is. (Don't mind my confusing irony).

Each and every film she wrote tells a different story. Those stories touched me straight into my heart. Some people might find it provoking and insensitive but I think Mak Yasmin is one hell of a talent! She managed to open up my eyes, heart and soul into believing that, there's nothing wrong with being the same or being different.

Your religion might be the same like mine but I have different way of believing it or you may have different religion but by the end of the day, our faith towards our Gods is equally the same.

I feel at lost when Mak Yasmin died. Despite all that rumours or perhaps true story about her, I respected her for what she believed in and for what she fought for. I don't know whether or not what she believed in and tried to tell us were true but I felt it at heart. I know everytime I saw her advertisements and even films, it felt right and I felt ashamed of myself for not being a good Muslim; though I was born as one, for not being a lady-like; as I was born one and others who weren't envied me and especially for not being a better daughter and sister as I know if only that I realized it sooner, my family won't be too distant from one another.

I hope that Mak Yasmin's talents and films won't go to waste. I hope that they are not just another propaganda of the media or the government to cover up our eyes and hearts into believing the truth, to what we think what is rightfully right.

Wallahualam.

Al-fatihah to Mak Yasmin. Damai lah kau disana. Amin.

Nak buat apa?

2011-09-03T16:12:00.003+08:00

I have been crossing out some stuff off my list these couple of weeks if you guys are asking apa aku buat or nak buat apa..

Tapi, as I was crossing out my list, there are a lot others that I haven't been able to achieve. This really frustrates me. Bila kala aku dapat achieve all this, memang tiada kepastian lagi but at the moment, all I'm thinking about is, one at a time. Slow-slow, lama InsyaAllah dapat lah semua kan?

This list, my bucket list, the things that I NEED to do before I die or before I'm old and sag and even more cranky, tersangatlah panjang. I think I am being ambitious tapi, I have always had this one phrase in my mind (and heart), if we aim high, and we fall, we're not gonna fall too far from what we've aimed. Macam zaman SPM dulu, aku menyesal aku aim 5A jek sebab at last aku dapat 3A jek. If I were to aim 9, mungkin aku dapat 5?

So, in life pun aku nak aim as high as I could so kalau aiming aku tak berapa kena, aku kena sipi-sipi kan?

A lot of people have been asking me, kenapa lately aku sangat optimist dan positive. To be honest, susah aku nak jawab to that particular question. Kang aku jawab, aku dah jumpa Jannah aku kang, apehal la pulak kan? But that's the thing. I have found the right path, InsyaAllah and Alhamdulillah, syukur.

My Ramadhan was a bliss - bukan hanya kerana I met someone tapi I feel so ease. Ramadhan rasa sangat bermakna especially after how many years of tak dapat tarawikh, this year I managed to perform some. Most of my prayers have been answered dan yang paling penting sekali, rezeki yang Tuhan kurniakan. I feel like murah rezeki and I am very, very, VERY thankful for that.

Berbalik kepada aiming high punya issue, yes, aku aimed high for this year's Ramadhan. Nak puasa penuh, tapi memang tak la tapi takde la lama sangat cutinya. Sembahyang taknak tinggal, pun sama lah sebab cuti dan err...sebab lain. Macam-macam lah kan pendeknya.

So, next agenda is I'm gonna aim higher for; my studies, my career and relationship and we'll see how far or how close things will get with my luck okay?

Syukran ya Allah.

*senyum lebaq-lebaq*

Personal trait

2011-09-02T07:31:00.002+08:00

Apa personal trait(s) yang paling korang benci?

Well, mine would be my crankiness and overly emotional over things. Memang paling annoying. When I have the episodes of mood-swings, I know a lot of people can't tolerate with me. Even my mom couldn't stand it. Even aku sendiri pun tak suka. And if you guys wanna share some tips or advices on how to minimize the feelings, do share. But please don't say, "g amek air sembahyang dow" or "ko kena banyak bersabar weh" sebab all these will only add up to my annoyance.

Aku seriously don't think that I was born with this trait and by far, I couldn't recall when the heck that I got it. Sikit-sikit nak tantrum. Sikit-sikit nak cranky. Lepas tu, the feelings are hard to stop! Kalau cranky, nak kena rasa marah yang melampau and up to a point, nangis dengan paling syahdu sebab marah sangat! Kenapa sampai macam ni? Is this a disease? AWKWARD!

Like what happened yesterday, takde salah apa, encik abang reply lambat sikit pun, aku dah emo macam nak gila. This is stupid. Seriously, sangat stupid! Who would wanna do that? Aku jek kot.

And when I woke up this morning for Fajr, I felt this big resentment in my heart, a throbbing pain in my chest and a thousand of even more anger of what I've said and done last night. Tapi dah tak emo, just regret.

I seriously need a therapist don't I? Sigh..

To my dearest encik abang, I'm really sorry for the tantrums I've been causing you love. I'll try to reduce it and thank you for being so understanding and patience. Betul la orang cakap, orang lagi tua nih, memahami lebih and more mature. Thank God I found you.

O Allah, give me patience and give him patience too in dealing with me. Syukran ya Allah for him. Syukran ya Allah for the blessings. If this is the one good man for me, my Islam and family, panjangkan lah jodoh kami. Amin.

Rambling thoughts 6

2011-08-23T13:21:00.003+08:00

I was going through my old posts just now and I found out how shitty my writings are! Tetiba rasa malu dengan diri sendiri, siap berangan nak jadik writer. Pehal weh self-confident tinggi menjulang melantun-lantun? Tak "seswai".

And another thing, this just occurs to me 5 minutes ago, should I delete all those crappy entries, especially talking about my exes and dates so that my child in the future won't be too much affected or got all yucky with his/her mom's "love-life-story"?

Well, if you ask me, honestly, I don't mind but at times I do feel that I need to be a little sensitive towards the feelings of others, especially that now I'm dating someone. Do you think he would mind I keep all the entries and bittersweet memories about my former boyfriends/scandals?

Takde salahnya kan? Tapi he would think that I still have feelings for the "old spark" yang mana memang dah takde langsung tu. It's just that I'm the kind of person who will keep the old stuff I bought or given by people no matter how ugly or annoyingly packing my little space it is. I like that feeling of keeping memories. For future laughs or consciousness. True eh?

Takpe lah kan..we'll see if he's gonna say anything about the entries IF he sees it in the future. (Mesti lah aku tak tunjuk lagi blog ni kan.)

Speaking about him, I know he'll be cool about it. Sebab apa? Sebab boifrenk saya memang cool? (muka serius tak lawak punya).

Maybe he'll find this blog soon. I know he will and when you read this encik abang, sila senyum sampai telinga okay?

Should head for my class now. And oh, 7 days to go before Hari Raya Aidilfitri. How time goes by.. Selamat Hari Raya in advance people! Nanti aku post lagu raya so that yang duduk jauh kat perantauan boleh nangis syahdu dengar lagu raya. ngeh.

Apa kes?

2011-08-16T10:57:00.003+08:00

Aku ni cepat terasa. Kadang-kadang orang tak cakap pasal aku tapi aku keep on feeling so awkward patu emo tak memasal sebab baca status update atau blog orang lain pasal diri dorang. Macam beberapa minit yang lalu, aku baca blog minah blogger yang agak femes among all bloggers, dia menyatakan rasa stress dalam jiwa dia pasal orang cakap wajah dia cantik tapi badan hancur.

Kat sini, aku bukan nak cakap aku cantik ke, dia cantik ke, badan solid molid ke hancur ke apa ke. TAPI at times ada jugak aku rasa macam tu. Sebabnya, bila dilahirkan dengan body figure dan tulang rangka yang besar. Tapi, aku rasa tak perlu lah Noe, ko nak rasa sampai low self-esteem macam tu.

Aku takkan cakap aku faham perasaan kau sebab nya, tiada siapa kat dunia ni akan faham perasaan orang lain sebab masing-masing melalui pengalaman yang berbeza. Memang ramai manusia kat dunia ni yang takde hati perut, sensitiviti terhadap orang-orang yang ada extra talent/body figure ni.

Kalau bab-bab ni, memang aku boleh chill as compared to the other situation. Aku peduli hape orang nak cakap aku pungkoq besaq ke, aku lagi besar dari boifrenk aku ke, aku gigantic ke sebab to be honest, I am pleased with the face God has given me. Dan yang pastinya, ada banyak pros dari cons kalau berangka besar ni.

Bukan nak gebang ke cakap lebat ke laa tapi Alhamdulillah, sebabkan aku ni berangka besar laa orang tak berani nak buat macam-macam (raba, pegang, etc) kat aku dalam tren. Dibuatnya tangan dia merayap, memang kat situ jugak aku bagi siku. Apa lagi? Takut kena ngorat dengan rempit-rempit keding? Takde hal. Flaunt kan saja body figure ko sambil bermuka ketat. InsyaAllah, lari lah diorang.

Pros yang lain termasuklah jugak dengan orang nak paksa ko beli barang (salesperson) kat shopping mall. Ko lagak jek dengan wajah not interested ko, memang dorang lari. Kalau rasa-rasa diorang tengah make fun pasal ko sebab badan ko "hancur", give them the look!

For sure, bersepah larinya.

Cons? Alaa paling-paling pun ko rasa down sekejap (or probably lagi lama) tapi eventually, bila ko find out again apa accomplishment ko ada dan compare dengan manusia mulut longkang yang kutuk ko tu, mesti self-confidence menggunung balik.

In brief, aku nak cakap takyah down sangat la dengan apa orang nak kata. Memang badan aku hancur, so? Apa masalah ko? Tak suka? Butakan mata ko siyal aku tak kacau hidup mu!

Rambling thoughts 5

2011-08-15T15:57:00.004+08:00

Selalu nak rasa diri kreatif dari orang lain tapi end up paling ntah apa-apa. Nak ingat kan eh, this is a rambling thought of mine.

This week is the third week of a new semester tapi, I'm still feeling unproductive with any of my classes. Feeling tired for no reason tu satu hal. Rasa malas nak mengajar and not knowing what to teach padahal I've been teaching the same subject and modules for almost two freakin' years now.

As usual, I'm gonna blame it to my imbalance hormone dan rasa mual kekerapan 3 dalam sebulan dengan the usual working life yang takde naik/turun (ada la sikit tapi hakikatnya tak reti bersyukur kan).

According to a famous blogger; Maria Elena, chill jek lah when this kind of shit happens tapi a thing about me is that..I don't know how to chill. Semua benda pun fikir macam nak pecah kepala and semua benda pun take really serious. I never joke about life.

Not that I mean Maria jokes about her life but some people that I know, they can make problems look so tiny and make a joke out of it in order for them to solve the problems. Yang mana, I can't. Jealous sungguh dengan that kind of ability.

Well, gotta swallow down all the bittersweet of life in order to survive this cruel reality aren't we? *swallow, swallow*

Can't wait to go home and take a shower and do something productive!

Assalamualaikum

2011-08-01T05:49:00.001+08:00

We meet again Ramadhan.

Alhamdulillah.

Rambling thoughts 4

2011-07-19T20:39:00.003+08:00

I have been babysitting a 3 year old cousin who recently just got a new baby sister these couple of days. I'd love to babysit the elder brother as well but he needs to go to school. I had two days leave so, whattheheck I need the company as well.

I've been flying to Sarawak for the Rainforest Music Fest and even came back to join a group of friends climbing the Gabai Waterfall and had a tremendous time picnicking! I had so much fun but yet, I felt so lonely and my cousin's company and sleeping-over at my place really made me busy and forgot about that "loneliness".

I know it's stupid to feel such way. How on earth can someone be so lonely while traveling? Only me I guess. This hole inside my heart is still big and yes, my blog has becoming cheesy and typical day by day!

I smiled. I laughed. But that longing and sadness still linger. I' d never thought I would be falling this hard.

The seeking-for-truth-and-God challenge has somehow stopped. I am back to becoming the old, bad, me. The ever-loving-obedient-daughter-sister-person also has becoming too mundane and disappointing.

Night sleeps have been tormenting when I keep on running, swimming, walking, and running again in a huge, never-ending, unfamiliar space.

I'm getting old and not fun too!

I'm assuming that I just miss you too much. Yes, I told everyone I have moved on and that's a lie. I don't even know what I feel. I don't even think that I'll ever let go.

Deal with that.

Who was I in the past life - Part II

2011-07-15T00:08:00.003+08:00

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South New Zealand around the year 775. Your profession was that of a writer, dramatist or organiser of rituals.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Your environment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Magic is everywhere around you, even in the most usual, most ordinary situations. Your lesson is to understand this magic and to help other people to see it, too. You are a magician!

Do you remember now?

Thanks to izza, I have found me when I was born in 775! I like the "writer, dramatist or organiser of rituals" part the most. It is somewhat related to who I am today? cewah!

Check out who were you in the past life here. Be sure to do it today!

Rambling thoughts 3

2011-06-29T09:25:00.002+08:00

Tak sure whether or not aku patut tanya soalan ni.

Tak sure jugak whether aku patut rasa this odd feeling inside after so many months.

But one thing for sure, I hate last night's dream. Mainan tidur yang paling siyal sekali. Mainan tidur yang mengundang mainan perasaan.

As usual, pagi-pagi aku memang aku suka isikan dengan rambling thoughts yang vague macam ni. Biaq pi lah aku sorang je paham.

Anyway, hari ni, Isra' Mi'raj day. Alhamdulillah I'm still here tapi ibadah dan amalanku masih kosong. Tak berani pun nak cakap belum cukup sebab memang takuk tu tak naik-naik. Rasa hampa pun ada. Aku patut menambah lagi keazaman nak menambah amalan dan ibadah so that I won't be this miserable lah kan?

Pagi Isra' Mi'raj ni sangat cool dan soothing. Hujan di pagi hari, a bit gloomy (feeling aku lah sebab mimpi semalam), tapi relaxed. Lama tak rasa relax macam ni. Lagi syok kalau cuti. Lagi syok? Kalau ada kat Langkawi. Lagi syok? Lepak rumah umi or naik motor nak pegi pantai dalam hujan. Rasa sangat soothing.

Serius mode reminiscing dah kembali. Feck sangat kan?

Happy wednesday peeps.

Rambling thoughts 2

2011-06-28T11:42:00.002+08:00

It doesn't feel right inside.

It's either longing or missing someone. I'm not sure. But my eyes are so sleepy as if they want me to go back to sleep and continue with the previous dream I had for 4 nights now.

The dream was so vague. But when I woke up, I see someone whom I don't want to see.

So, there goes. Eeek!

Rambling thoughts 1

2011-06-26T19:29:00.003+08:00

Aku ingat suatu masa dulu time kat sekolah, cikgu aku tanya, "What do you want to do in your life?" Ye lah maksud dia tu mungkin, other than finishing school and go to college, etc.

I couldn't answer her. I didn't know what I want to do with life; with MY life.

Bila mak pak aku tanya pun, aku takleh bagi jawapan. I didn't like anything at that time but being rebellious. Tapi dalam pada rebellious aku tu pun, family aku still cakap aku ni anak yang baik dan mendengar kata lagi. Well, kalau nak dicompare dengan adik aku or any of my other cousins, kenakalan aku ni masih lagi dikira mild dan tidak merbahaya langsung. Thank God for that.

Yes, at times, when I look back my childhood time, I feel sorry for my mom and dad and myself. But I have never regretted of my past actions. I feel bad but it worth for every second of experience I went through. Personally, aku rasa I won't be the person I am today if it wasn't for the past actions that I did.

These past few days aku terjumpa cikgu aku kat fesbuk. And she asked me if I have found the answer to the question.

Jawapan aku?

Mestilah belum.

Dan apa feeling aku sekarang?

Mestilah aku rasa down gila!

I want to do something that I enjoy doing. I want to do something that can make me happy all the time and not think about problems. Well make that no problem at all!

Masalahnya ada ke?

The last time that I dated someone (you know who), he said he was the obstacle for the freedom and success that I deserve. It's been almost a year now that we part ways but I'm still here doing what I'm good at but not really having any fun doing it.

Setiap hari pun mesti ada perasaan nak melarikan diri, nak take the next flight to a random, alienated country and explore myself in it.

Rasanya ada ramai tak lagi orang kat luar sana yang have the same feeling like mine?

Curious jugak nak tahu.

All my days

2011-06-25T02:16:00.000+08:00

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And its just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Wazzaapppppp

2011-06-24T21:35:00.006+08:00

Hai. Lama tak jumpa. Sihat?

Memang sepotong ayat mintak kaki kalau nak berdialog macam ni dengan blog sendiri. Tapi takpe lah aku berdialog future anak aku and sekali gus, monolog lah sikit dengan diri sendiri. Ingat-mengingat ye tak?

Macam biasa lah kan bila dah lama menyepi dari arena mengomel ni ada dua jek sebabnya;

malas
kerja belambak

These past few weeks memang aku dok sibuk marking, grading, down-grading final exam, assignment dan seangkatan dengannya. Tak ketinggalan jugak, menjengkelkan kawan-kawan opis aku seperti si ken dan barbie. ----- okay. panggilan ni sgt kena dengan depa. I should tell this to them. sat bagi aku masa nak menarik nafas panjang atas kebijaksanaan sendiri.

okay, berbalik pada cerita tentang AKU. memang these past few weeks aku rasa annoyed tak tentu pasal dengan students, kertas, PC kat ofis, orang pakai baju mengerlip, macam-macam lah!

Bila ada yang tak kena tu, memang siap lah kena sembur dengan aku. tak pasal-pasal keluar segala bahasa-bahasa indah serupa KL Gangster, Adnan Sempit, Bohsia; Jangan Pilih Jalan Hitam dan seantero dengannya. Ini adalah suatu kebiasaan lagi-lagi bagi pensyarah (amboi. cikgu pon boleh) yang bekerja di institusi pengajian tinggi swasta macam kami.

Ya lah. Mana tak tekanan perasaan? Apa yang kau ajar, berhempas pulas macam mana sekali pun, rata-rata students yang ________________ (sila isi dengan adjective yang sesuai) still akan jawab serupa sampah. Yang bagus tu, memang syukur nikmat lah. Kalau yang esei disuruh tulis tak kurang dari 600 patah perkataan dia bagi kau 6 line? Tak ke mintak buku lali kaki hinggap kat muka namanya tu?

Tapi aku tau, thunderstorm ni sekejap jek. Aku harapkan yang percutian impulsive aku ke Kuching Julai nanti akan mendatangkan rasa motivated dan determination yang tinggi untuk terus berjuang kat opis ni!

Untuk makluman semua, 8-10 july ni ada rainforest fest kan? JOM lah! aku nak pegi dan decision yang dibuat tempoh hari sangat lah impulsive dan impromptu! Semoga perancangan membuahkan hasil dan bulan depan tak pokai mana. AMIN!

So, until next time, jumpa kat Rainfest keyh! Hugs.

LAYANNNNNN!

ps. nanti aku amek gambo bebanyak, aku post eh. sembang banyak pon tak guna. bagi rasa hasad dengki baru hen hau!

One of those important reminders!

2011-06-14T00:35:00.002+08:00

Hi anak.

Do you know. These past few years, I have changed a lot. From someone who doesn't know anything to...well, a bit of something.

It's a crazy world out there and when you are all grown up, things will never be the same like when you were a kid. It could be differently good and it could also turn out bad. It's based on your choice; which path that you want to pursue to.

This is just as a head's-up for you so you won't take any faulty step though I doubt that things are going to be as smooth for you different from everyone else but just try your best not to stumble down the hill okay my kid?

The reason I'm writing this entry is to let you know that sometimes, you will not going to get everything that you want or wish for. There will be times that you have to be hurt and be sad, not getting what you want. But that is not the end of the world. You won't die out of it. And yes, I hate to quote this, it will only make you stronger.

Anak, today I've learned again something that is too priceless. It's a deep, meaningful saying; and I quoted from Nabi Yusuf when he was imprisoned due to a fitnah saying that he tried to rape Zulaikha' "Wahai Tuhanku, penjara lebih aku sukai daripada memenuhi ajakan mereka kepadaku. Dan jika tidak Engkau hindarkan daripadaku tipu daya mereka, tentu aku ini akan cenderung untuk (memenuhi keinginan mereka) dan tentu lah aku termasuk orang yang bodoh." (Surah Yusuf: 33).

What the sentence in Quran meant is that, kalau duduk di dalam penjara itu adalah yang terbaik buatnya (Nabi Yusuf) dengan tidak mendatangkan kemudaratan keatas dirinya, keluarganya, agamanya dan orang disekelilingnya, maka dia (Yusuf) redha dengan ketentuan Illahi.

The same thing that me and you can apply to our lives today, if it is not meant to be for us, bear in mind that God will always have a better plan for us. It's just a matter of time. I was too blinded with sorrow, anger and sadness that I didn't see all of the hikmah behind the things that had happened to me.

And tonight, I've reminded myself again about this and I have determined that if I am not going to be married to anyone pun, I am pleased with His decision. Probably that if I were to marry or to have someone by my side, I'd do the darnedest thing that will humiliate myself, my family and my religion. Though I know, I've done too much damage to myself and others due to this matter.

I just want to remind you even if one day, I were to be sick of a disease and had to leave you sooner than we've planned, you are going to accept this Qada' and qadar.

Accept it with an opened mind and heart.

Enough with the late rambling. If today is your birthday, happy birthday my dear child. I love you.

Goodnight love.

Akhirnya

2011-06-12T12:33:00.003+08:00

Gua dah tengok cerita impian gua. Ye, KL Gangster dan teros gua berangan nak jadik "kaklong" kat KL ni. HAHA.

Oh ye, kepada anakanda, nanti mommy beli DVD of the film and show it to you during your 18th birthday! Baru hang paham apa benda the film is all about.

Aku nak review gak cite ni kat korang tapi mood tak berapa nak ngam dengan tak mandi lagi, dengan serabut marking terlupa bawak balik answer scheme, so, gua put on hold dulu la k?

Next monday ke apa ke gua review lah. Tapi, a brief summarisation of the film is, memang gempak bro! Gua banyak suka itu filem! Itu filem memang taiko lah!

Yang berhasrat nak tengok, sila lah pergi tengok itu cerita. Lu orang takkan kecewa punya!

Baidewei, ni latest update okeh pasal KL Gangster. Kalo nak review yang paling mantop, take it from movie reviewer yang selalu tak pernah menghampakan kita. Klik saja dong di SINI.

Harapan aku iya lah, abang Aaron baca lah blog pasal kegilaan aku pada dia dan KL Gangster ni.

HAHAHAHA!

malam jumaat ni...

2011-06-10T00:59:00.002+08:00

aku nak mimpi mamat hensem ni. weh, dah pehal ko hensem sangat? ni semua gara-gara curiosity aku pasal Nora Elena lah ni!

so, goodnight haters. sweet dreams. and you too sweetheart.

Nak tahu tak?

2011-06-09T12:38:00.002+08:00

Musim mengantuk dah tiba.

Musim ni memang selalunya antara benci dengan tak benci jek rasanya. Di suatu hujung di meja Jasin (bukan nama sebenar), musim cuti semester dah tiba tapi di hujung lagi satu, di meja Man-jay (bukan nama sebenar jugak), musim marking, grading dah tiba. Dan di meja aku pulak, tekanan jiwa dan perasaan dengan para pelajar yang masih berhutang assignments, presentations dan FINAL EXAM sedang berleluasa.

Di musim ini jugak lah di mana musim para guru Mat Saleh berasa sangat dengki sebab anytime jek yang kami di LEC ni akan pergi bercuti atau berdengkur sambil ber-FB/youtube di pejabat. Mereka akan berasa benci melihat kami goyang kaki sebab mereka masih ada kelas yang harus mereka pergi. Musim ini jugak adalah musim paling menggembirakan aku. Sebab aku memang suka diorang dengki. Feed pride aku.

Dalam kulit kacang (in a nutshell), aku pun teruja dengan pengakhiran semester ni. Lepas ni bulan puasa. Lepas tu, raya! Tunggu dalam 4 bulan, aku nak pulang ke tanah air aku pulak! Mau nya tak happy!

Ok dah aku nak sambung caci maki dengan pena merah kat kertas peperiksaan dan assignments bebudak malang ni.

Chiao.

Curious tak sudah-sudah

2011-06-08T09:55:00.003+08:00

Aku pernah cakap tak yang curiosity level aku sangat tinggi? Kalau tak, meh makcik nak announce to the whole world pasal benda ni. Memang undeniable yang curiosity aku tahap langit when it comes to things yang aku tak pernah dengar/lihat lepas tu sedang sibuk diperkatakan dalam perbincangan dengan kawan-kawan. Termasuklah jugak updated status di Facebook dan Twitter ye.

Kenapa yang aku sibuk mengomel pasal curiosity and being curious ni?

Well, benda ni memang sejak azali lagi. Pernah sekali dulu aku suspicious gila dengan makanan kucing (baik yang tuna-look atau yang biskut tu), aku pergi rasa makanan kucing tu. Of course lah kan, sejak dari kejadian bangang tu, aku benci keropok perisa ikan dan tuna dalam tin. Menyesal tak sudah dibuatnya.

Tapi dalam pada trying for the sake of nak hilangkan rasa curious ni, ada jugak yang mendatangkan kebaikan dan rasa "nasib-baik-try!". Aku selalu jugak berpegang pada prinsip, baik try daripada menyesal tak pernah try langsung.

Okay sebelum tu. Sebelum korang pulak suspicious dengan aku pasal aku pernah try benda-benda yang beyond dari halal dan toyyiban ni, aku nak mengaku yang aku bukan manusia sempurna atau sentiasa baik. Seperti yang aku cakap ada yang tasting for curiosity yang aku tak suka so telah dihentikan serta-merta dan ada jugak yang mendatangkan kebaikan kepada aku. Antara kebaikan yang aku peroleh ialah;

menonton cerita ni.

Yes, Nora Elena. Walaupun aku rasa yang titlenya patut ditukar kepada Seth Tan. (Haha)

Serious cakap, 3 episod pertama aku rasa nak gores screen laptop aku sebab tak dapat terima kesengalan plot, skrip dan lakonan para pelakon dalam cerita ni. TAPI, lepas episod 8 atau 9, aku dah tangkap jiwang, fallen hard dekat Seth Tan aka Aaron Aziz.

Aaron memang taste aku. Dengan badan sasa, mata dia, bad-ass looknya, suara dan pelat Singaporeannya, memang kalau aku tengok dia, aku surely berangan jadik bini dia. Dalam Nora Elena ni pulak, Aaron sekali lagi berjaya men-tackle hati aku.

Serius cakap, aku skeptical gila dengan the fact that ada lagi ke lelaki yang romentik super macam Seth Tan kat real life ni? Aku tau takde UNLESS bini/gefren dia super cun dan hot.

So, aku akan teruskan menonton cerita yang hangat diperkatakan dalam status member-member kat Facebook ni sampai lah last episodnya. And I'll pray that one day, kalau aku ada boifren atau suami, aku nak yang penyayang macam Seth Tan dalam Nora Elena ni (walaupun ada kemungkinan yang dia yang rogol Nora Elena masa muda-muda dulu, so aku taknak lah part yang tu).

Oh, Aaron Aziz, kenapa ko tak jumpa aku sebelum ko jumpa wife ko tu eh? Oh ye, lagi aku turn on dengan Aaron Aziz sebab apa tau? Sebab ni.

HAHAHA.

Traumatized

2011-06-05T00:46:00.003+08:00

Frankly speaking, aku memang traumatized dengan incident setahun lepas yang berlaku pada aku. Bila mengenangkan apa yang telah terjadi tu, kadang-kadang aku rasa suffocated and do not know what to do so that the memory goes away.

Memang sukar nak go through the memory and the feeling inside all over again. It feels like the wound is never healed. Well, I thought it has..rupanya belum.

I'm not saying that I still long for Tj or still love him or anything like that. Tapi rasa cuak, rasa insecure, rasa lost, rasa don't know what to do to make it better tu yang aku kadang-kadang rasa. And yes, rasanya macam sangat ngilu.

I mean, siapa yang boleh lupa perasaan di mana hari ni, kau rasa dunia ni macam kau punya, si dia adalah segalanya dan tiada apa yang dapat menggugat rasa cinta tapi all of a sudden, si dia bukan lagi kau punya dan dia pun dah totally ignore kau as if you guys are strangers. I hate that feeling. And I am scared of it to come again. Senang cite la, imagine lah yang parents korang secara tiba-tiba suatu hari putuskan tali persaudaraan dengan korang dan taknak acknowledge dah apa-apa pertalian but then parents kot mustahil dorang nak buat macam tu unless kita buat super palat kat dorang kan?

The point is, sakit yang unbearable macam tu lah yang aku rasa. Like, right now.

I'm really sorry to those who are reading this and if you think that this is too pathetic for you to read, do me a favour just stop reading already. I love people to read my blog but then again, this is the only personal space that I have to talk to myself and to someone who can actually listen to me out there.

I do have friends and I do have my family by my side but I have to admit I feel that loneliness lingers around me now. The pain that I carry now with me is unbearable. At times it feels like an intense trauma that I feel like shutting off from everyone; run far away from here and hide myself. I know no one will come and find me. As a matter of fact, the world will be such a better place without me in it.

And to my dear kid, if you are reading this in the future, I hope that you won't feel the same thing that I do now. I really hope that you have the most beautiful life and people around you that you won't have to feel not even the tiniest pain and suffer.

I know a lot of people think I'm childish, emotionally unstable and sometimes, a freak. Well, I'm different. I like to say what I feel inside and these few months and years, it's hard for me to do that. I can't really find me in me. I don't know myself anymore. And the only thing that can keep me in sanity now is writing here.

And tonight, in this sincerely written piece of junk, I'd like to apologize to those who I have wronged. I'm really sorry if I have ever hurt you in any way that I consciously or subconsciously did. I'm asking for the sake of that tiny bit of humanity that you have to forgive me and to take away all the vengeance that you have towards me. I am only human and I make mistakes. If I could turn back time, I'd take back the things that I've said and the silly things that I've done but we are all humans.

I'm sorry.

mengomel tu comel

2011-06-03T14:23:00.003+08:00

Everytime aku rasa macam nak mengomel tentang sesuatu, aku load page blogger ni tapi baru sebaris dua ayat, aku kena mental-blockage. Even sekarang pun aku rasa ada blockage tu tapi aku merepek jek sampai lah ada idea yang aku boleh bebelkan.

There are probably some people who think that "kenapa nak kena bebel jugak kalau takde idea?" atau, "ish. whatever. poyo gila sampai pasal takde idea pon nak kena tulis". There's a significant reason why aku berblogging ni. Selain daripada memang aku "talented" nak berblogging, aku ni lah seorang manusia paling biasa...atau manusia biasa yang memerlukan medium untuk aku meluahkan rasa ke-anger-an atau ke-sad-an aku sebab aku bukan the kind of person yang suka suki suka hati nak marah-marah atau nangis-nangis kat orang. (Well, sometimes ada la jugak)

Bottom line is, if I don't write in my blog, aku boleh kena sawan.

So, entri kali ni aku nak sum up the whole week in LUCT a.k.a tempat kerja paling hardcore yang pernah one person works in.

(Jom tulih in point form jek lah k? mood tak berapa nak ngam)

finally settling in Putrajaya bit by bit.
dah rasa emotionally stable although at times aku still tersampuk tapi anger management dah improving. dah kurang cursing and blabbing like an angry baboon.
sekarang most of the classes tengah "busy" exam dan presentation and basically we are heading towards the end of the semester and aku sangat lah berharap yang semester break ni aku tak banyak kerja sangat and I know that's too good to be true.
walaupun anger management dah okay compare to last year, ada jugak some of the things yang aku rasa memang tangkap layan untuk aku rasa keji dan bengangkan seperti kebodohan sesetengah pihak yang tak perlu disebut-namanya yang sering kali menyusahkan hidup aku; be it lah kat office ke kat memana ke.
disebabkan aku dah makin gemuk, setiap hari selasa dan khamis ku, petang harinya dipenuhi dengan riadah dan senaman bagi menguruskan badan dan yang paling penting - punkoq aku.
So far, berat aku baru turun 3.5kg so takde apa yang perlu dibanggakan as compared to time aku hati koyak dulu; 10-12 kg! Yes, I miss ONLY that part.
aku jugak telah berjaya melakukan suatu jenis senaman yang aku tak pernah terpikir aku boleh buat - Yoga; yang di mana pada hari khamis (semalam) aku touch lantai in such a weird way with my two feet yang melangkaui kepala aku.
ni contoh style yang aku berjaya buat dan bukan lah aku. gambo nih aku cilok kat sini.
ada beberapa students aku yang ada potensi nak jadi manusia unggul di kalangan masyarakat kita yang aku telah dapat cungkil bakat mereka selama beberapa minggu masuk kelas ajar ni. dan aku rasa bangga.
tak ketinggalan juga dengan segelintir makhluk hampeh lagi hanjeng yang rasa dia paling bagus kat dunia ni dan orang lain hanya di aras lutut ke bawah yang di mana kalau tegur untuk kebaikan pun dia nak tarik muka atau tak mahu terima - oogli truth.
aku rasa dah 65% kurang kepandaian aku sejak berhenti belajar ni dan aku bakal jadi manusia ber-IQ rendah tak lama lagi.
pemarkahan dan penilaian untuk assignments masih di tangga paling bawah sebab hantu rajin aku dipinjam oleh seseorang dan aku takleh call dia untuk datang for the time being.
and last but not least, aku rasa manusia yang aku pernah tak suka dulu sangat meng-turn-me-on sekarang dan aku rasa sangat segan disebabkan fakta ini.

Tu dia 12 recent updates tentang Siti Adeb, rokes paling ulung pada tahun 2011.

Sampai jumpa lagi yu ols.

Argumentative Essay

2011-05-26T17:09:00.002+08:00

Apa yang susah lahanat nak buat argumentative essay ni? Kau rasa susah ke? Nak buat 'menatang' essay adalah yang paling kacang ko tau tak? Lain lah ko kena rangkai essay pasal personal anecdotes ke true story ke fairy tales memang payah! Ni ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY weh!

First thing first sebelom ko nak menulih essay, of course lah ko kena fikir topik apa yang ko nak merepek tu. Fikir panjang-panjang nak tulih topik apa. Dah fikir pasal topik, TOLONGLAH pegi read up ALL the information that you need to write up the freaking essay.

Boleh tak, jangan dok caca marba copy segala benda dari internet, baling sekelompot atas A4 paper tu! Dengan takde organizationnya, dengan tak paham lahanat apa ko merepek, main points ke laut, examples tak relevan, yang lagi sedih apa? Main points LANGSUNG TAKDE!

Nak tahu kenapa yang aku menyirap sangat? This goes to the whole 13 weeks aku berbuih mulut mengajar ko "opposing views", "rebuttal", "refuting", tapi satu bijik haram pon ko tak paham! Bila aku tanya "thesis statement" ko mana, why the heck yang ko bagi aku @$(^%^)#%@_???

Lagi menyirap ko datang kelas aku, tak siap assignment and started to show me craps and show that bajet-lawa-face!

Anywaysssssss...aku still nak ajar ko apa maksudnya argumentative essay tu. In the essay, we are not only giving information but also presenting an argument with the supporting ideas and the opposing ideas of an argumentative issue. Paham?

Lagi? Ko kena lah jugak take your stand and write as if ko nak persuade readers yang oppose dengan views ko so that dia adopt new beliefs and behaviour yang ko cuba sampaikan. The main objective pulak tentulah sebab ko nak betol-betol tukar beliefs that many of them do not want to change.

So, argumentative dengan informative essay ni memang JAUH berbezanya. Informative tu pegi lantak lah ko nak inform pasal apa sekali pun tapi takde referencing dari mana-mana acceptable sources janji orang happy dengan info yang ko bagi. TAPI argumentative essay ni seharusnya lah ARGUE, STAND UP for atau PERTAHANKAN points ko yang strong so people won't easily change your ideas and plan of development.

Senang bukan? ke tak paham lagi? Takpe lah kalau tak paham jugak lagi. Meh sini "akak" bagi ko contoh okay?

Contoh lah okay ko nak buat argumentative essay ko pasal this Reiki regime.

Thesis: Do Reiki instead of taking medicine.

	Counter arguments		Refutation
1.	People should trust medicine since it is effective and scientifically proven.	----->	Reiki is also scientifically proven and does not have side effects. (refutation method: insufficient claim)
2.	Serious illnesses such as HIV/AIDS and cancer cannot be treated without medicine.	----->	Medicine also cannot treat serious illnesses if not diagnosed at an early stage. (refutation method: opponents are partially correct)
3.	Reiki, like alternative healing methods, requires a lot of time.	----->	Reiki requires less time if done regularly. (refutation method: opponents are completely wrong)

Dah paham? Tak jugak? Nah, ko pegi baca sample essay kat sini.

Okay lah eh?

Harapnya korang paham lah ye Joyah, Minah, Pe'ah. And please don't give me ^%$@*&#%()!*&) dah after this. Next week, last gua accept korang punya assignment. No more drafts, no more editing. Kalau asyik dengan editing jek, bila masa nak buat presentationnya?

ps. yang tak hantar-hantar assignment 1 dengan journal tu, tak tau-tau lagi kena buat apa? ke nak "akak" jadik singa lagi?

peace out.

Gonna take myself for a ride on a big jet plane.

2011-05-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

That feeling of disappearing appears again.

I know it's not normal and I have to overcome this feeling. This probably the reason a lot of people distant away from me.

Or....probably it's me who's alienating myself from others.

Whichever it is, I'm not happy with this state. I hope that I can just run away or so to speak, disappear like bubbles.

Can I?

angus and julia

2011-05-16T01:14:00.002+08:00

sometimes, I just wanna leave here and disappear.

and listening to this, makes me want to take a big jet plane and get the hell outta here.

Pernah tak rasa?

2011-04-29T16:47:00.002+08:00

Walaupun kita tak kenal mana orang tu, tapi when it's time for him or her to leave, there's that unhappy feeling inside. So, boleh imagine tak if the person is someone whom you know so much or probably like or LOVE so much? The unhappy feeling will surely not only just an ordinary feeling but terrifyingly crushed?

The reason why I'm writing this entry after so long is that a lot of people from the office is leaving or has left. That includes Grant, one of the bosses who's so great and fun, Eve, the not-so-friendly-boss-but-I-have-no-problem-with, Daniel, the ultimate fun apek, and now, it's Greg's turn.

Although Greg is not that close to me all this while, I could still feel that unhappy feeling seeing him going away. Geez!

I just hate saying goodbye. I just hate seeing people leaving. Especially when they are leaving to somewhere, probably great and I'm stuck here, feeling miserable in this not so happy place.

ku yakin berlaku

2011-04-10T23:39:00.003+08:00

Ya Allah,

Jika aku ditakdirkan jatuh cinta..

cintakanlah aku pada seseorang

yang melabuhkan cintanya kepadaMu...

Amin.

Wahai bakal suamiku,

semoga kita berjumpa nanti di jambatan kasih. InsyaAllah.

kenapa susah sangat?!

2011-04-06T13:38:00.002+08:00

beli rumah sangatlah susah!

niat baik nak belikan mom rumah so boleh la rasa lapang sikit dari dok kat rumah apartment yang sempit sekarang ni tapi, nak jumpa yang betul-betul cantik, yang betul-betul berkenan dengan harga yang ngam, memang PAYAH!

bila ada yang minat, try call tak dapat. rupa-rupanya property tu dah dikebas orang. takde luck langsung. sabau je le. sigh.

doa-doakan lah semoga dapat cari rumah yang selesa, yang dapat memberi kami tempat berteduh dengan harga yang berpatutan. by the way, apehal rumah harga juta-juta? kiamat nanti bertempiaran gak lari semua orang takde nak berteduh dalam rumah dah! harga rumah murah-murah je dah la! bukan buat dari emas pon!

apa lah korang ni developer!

gomen pon same jek.

*emo*

mereng

2011-04-04T12:41:00.002+08:00

bukan mereng ye cik adeb, MERONG mahawangsa.

apa nih, asek tersilap sampai nak beli tiket pun boleh silap? nasib baik abang tu tgk aku hot lagi anggun kalah cik nin dalam hantu kak limah, dia tersipu-sipu malu jek bukan gelak terbahak-bahak.

aku dengan kondifen, "abang, mereng mahawangsa 2 bang!"

sharing is caring, betul?

2011-04-03T10:20:00.003+08:00

"biar mati anak, jangan mati adat"

memang kejam statement ni kalau yang baca budak-budak berumur 12 tahun ke bawah. kenapa pulak mak bapak aku sanggup biar aku mati sebab adat? tapi tak menghairankan lah kalau ada orang tua bangka by the age of 69 pun still ingat biarkan anak mati tapi adat pepatih mesti diperlihara jugak.

come on people, this is not mogobja in Looking for a rain God, sacrificing budak kecil semata-mata rasa bersalah pada tuhan hujan tak turunkan hujan selama bertahun-tahun. statement ringkas dan padat ni cuma misalan dari orang tua zaman dulu-dulu. tujuannya nak mengingatkan kita, setinggi mana pun pencapaian kita, sepopular mana pun kedudukan kita, jangan cepat dilupa adat dan budaya kita.

bukan lah aku nak suruh kau orang sibuk fikirkan budaya tipikal melayu, bergosip, mengata, pandang rendah pada yang hina tu, tapi budaya kita, adab, sopan-santun, hormat orang tua, cara pertuturan, itu budaya kita.

dalam perkahwinan, majlis nak bertunang, berkawan, dengan majikan, dengan ibu bapa, kadang-kadang dalam sembahyang yang lima tu pun kena ada adab dan adat nya kan? itu jek sebab ada statement ni kat dalam konteks bahasa melayu. takde kena mengena pun dengan nak membunuh atau membiarkan anak tu mati hanya kerana nak menjaga adat dan tradisi.

huraian yang paling ringkasnya ialah, kata lah kalau si anak tu mendatangkan mudarat pada kita sebab cintakan sangat kekasihnya tapi kekasihnya tu, tak mahu peluk Islam atau perangainya mendatangkan lebih mudarat kepada keluarga, haruslah si ibu dan ayah, memutuskan perhubungan tersebut tidak kira lah betapa sakitnya hati si anak yang mungkin boleh mendatangkan keinginan untuk membunuh diri. tapi, semua tu, insyaAllah, boleh diperbaiki tapi adab, adat resam, kejadian yang tidak akan mengaibkan keluarga kita, harus lah diutamakan.

wallahualam.

kalau salah, tolong betulkan k?

ps. rasa macam poyo ubi dan ayam.

Extrinsic motivation

2011-03-31T17:49:00.002+08:00

I guess I am now used to the extrinsic motivation when it comes to work. No offense, I love my job. I love teaching. But it's just a little too much when you have used all your energy and effort to fulfill a tremendous job as a teacher but your employer fails to pay you. Even worse, is failing to conform to the annual appraisal increment.

The motivation to come to work is somewhat reduced when knowing you are not going to be paid on time or even earlier as that indicates the employer is actually appreciating your hard work for the month. This has never appeared in my life dictionary. No one appreciates anymore.

The employer is no longer an employer but he or she so to speak, thinks he or she owns us. But hey, even slaves are fed by their masters so that they have energy to work more.

All in all, I am just broke. I am so broke that I don't even have any more cents to spend to come to work tomorrow.

Life is at its "peak" now.

Sigh.

and tonight...

2011-03-29T23:59:00.001+08:00

i miss you again..after quite some time.

AMARAN: ENTRI BAGI MUNTAH HIJAU

2011-03-28T00:36:00.002+08:00

Ramai orang sering berkata, "kalau lah boleh aku pergi balik ke masa yang lalu" yang aku jugak selalu ucapkan dulu.

Tapi, sekarang bila aku fikirkan kembali untuk apa? 70% masa yang lalu hanya dihabiskan dengan kesedihan, kelalaian, ketidakmatangan. Aku nak cepatkan masa supaya aku boleh lihat masa depanku; siapa imam yang bakal membimbingku, siapa suami yang akan memberi nafkah kepadaku, siapa bapa kepada anak-anakku, siapa menantu yang akan menjaga anak ibu dan ayahku ini, siapa anak-anakku, itu yang pasti.

Malam ni, berkumpul lagi sekelian ayam, tajuk diskusi pun macam biasa, planning untuk vacation, siapa nak kahwin dulu, plan perniagaan emas, dan topik yang selalu tiada penghujung, berakhir dengan tanda tanya, "bila kita semua nak kahwin, dan dengan SIAPA kita nak kahwin?" yang setiap kali akan buat aku rasa sedikit down.

Janji pada diri aku tetap sama, cekalkan jek hati, tahun ni, kepala fikir karier, fikir kerja, fikir macam mana nak tolong mak ayah jadik lebih kaya (lebih?), tahun depan baru gelabah fikir yang lain ngam?

Walaupun aku pura-pura tegar dan macho, sedikit sebanyak impak tempias rasa sunyi memang ada. Lagi-lagi bila Aiman Azman dan Mas (isteri) serta anak mereka, Aqil ikut bersama dengan dinner malam ni. Terbayang-bayang dalam fikiran, bestnya kalau ada suami/anak join sekali! Dengan geram tengok baby Aqil yang kecik2 dah pandai melaram. Stroller je dah dekat RM2k!

Then again, janji dalam hati kena full with determination, next year baru gelabah (itu pun kalau ada next year)!

Ya Allah, semoga cepat sampai jodohku, semoga cepat dapat ku lihat cahaya mataku. Amin!

If you're white, I don't like you now

2011-03-23T10:17:00.004+08:00

I don't care even if you live in this world for 100 years and still be a jerk. So, please, even if the trees have never do me any good (well of course, not directly), I'd still want to help to save them.

Yes, by printing on the recycled papers you people (especially you) have printed on one-sided for 1000 copies! or to even print them in 2-sided of a page! It's not only because I want to save the trees or the world but I'm living a modest life these days - avoid wasting money, paper, time or whatever things that can be wasted and use up the full out of it.

Of course, now, the tree is not helping you to give you a dollar/ringgit note when you want to pay for the cab, but it is giving you that air you are breathing you moron! Imagine if there are 100 of yous, printing a single line of sentence on one-sided page of an A4 for 1000 students, and how many trees that we have to cut down? That how-many-trees can actually help to produce oxygen and help us recycle back the carbon dioxide you emit EVERYDAY!

Do the math idiot, do the math now!

One more thing, if you think that your being-sarcastic-ignorant-poker-face expression is funny, think again, you're in a freaking better country than yours, Malaysia and if you don't like it, like what I've always said, leave.

There you go readers (ada ke?), if you think them expats are good, no they're not. They're just self-absorbed and perasan. The person I'm condemning here would be one of the teachers. How shallow? A teacher educates not irritates.

Yours truly.

moan-day crap

2011-03-21T08:58:00.003+08:00

What makes you think that you are so important that if you're not around, people will die or work could not be done?

Hear me out, no, you are not important! The world does not revolve around you and people WON'T die if you weren't born in the first place!

In other words, tolong lah jangan perasan sangat! You're not that great pon. If you think that you have so many works to do, just quit. Apa benda yang kerja banyak sangat pon? Everyone has a lot of work to do too not only you. Geez!

You remind me of someone whom I hate so much and yea, she's not that great either tapi cakap nak gebang. macam hang lah.

new friend on board!

2011-03-16T10:19:00.004+08:00

It's been hectic weeks and months to most of us here in LUCT. There are module planning, updating attendance, training programs, classes, students coming in to see the teachers and asking stupid questions like, "how come I fail?"or "my friends get C+ and I got C, I want to appeal for my "+""! Nevertheless, life is going as usual, very mundane and tiring. My life to be exact has been such an unhealthy one; no more healthy diet, no more gym, no more swimming and not even shopping or going out to hang out. Most of the time is spent in bed, in front of the mini book, watching tv series online or reading up blogs.

Nothing interesting until yesterday, the second time I came across this blind guy on the train. So, I asked his name, Wan, 23 years old and he lives in Brickfield. Every Tuesday he'll go to Setiawangsa to go to the night market in Jelatek with his fellow friends to work there. He does foot massage; Reflexology. I bet he has an interesting life going on. He was helped by a guy before he boarded the train and yes, I was actually checking up on the guy who helped Wan but that didn't last long as when Wan was sitting next to me, I realized he was counting the stations, trying not to miss his stop. I thought he wouldn't remember me, so I asked him, where he's going and he said, "Setiawangsa lagi kak" (Setiawangsa again kak). He said he recognizes my voice and my perfume. I smell like a sweet flower according to him! So, the conversations started from there.

Along the journey, Wan was clutching (like having a spasm) so I asked him whether he's okay or not. Apparently, when he feels too cold, he'll clutch. Poor kid. He's so skinny and little. If only that I had my shawl with me, I'd wrap it around him so he won't feel cold. Talking and seeing him like that somehow made me realize that God is great. What happened on the train last night shows that life does not only revolve around you and in this life, if you think you are the least fortunate, you're wrong. They are others who are in need of greater help and who have way more unfortunate stories to tell. Contrition hits me there and then, up until today.

Before we part ways, I told Wan that I'd say "hi" if I see him again some day. I will. I am proud to say, I do have a blind friend now and I think he's awesome. Looking forward to see Wan again and probably, I'll ask him why is he not studying or how many siblings does he have or maybe, who is he living with in Brickfield? I can be very nosy. I know. Ngeh.

nicholasaurus

2011-03-10T23:49:00.001+08:00

me: (viewing website for flight tickets)...hah! dah pkul 2 ada class!

oppa: eh, you nak pigi mana tu?

me: class la! you pon kan?

oppa: you nak pegi class naik kapal terbang ke?

me: ???@)$@$*$??! apahal pulak?!

blur untuk suatu jangka masa yang agak panjang untuk menyedari, dalam diam, oppa stalk aku, usya apa aku buat selama ni!

ps. baca dialoq oppa seperti apek cina yg berusia lingkungan 30-an yang super kedek dan byk duit tapi kiasu.

whatever lah k nic. you really made my day! apek, apek!

taknak orang amek gambar dia. ada certain side and angles yang dia nampak hensem. ye lah tu.

same dream..

2011-03-06T18:54:00.004+08:00

I keep on having the same dream over and over again.

It annoys me as it involves too many strangers but the characters seemed to be familiar people whom I always speak to, etc.

And in that dream, I drove a car and I kept on worrying of hitting people and I can't step on the brakes! It really is frustrating to have such dream as everytime I wake up in the morning, I'll feel sad like there's an unfinished business.

Call me mental or whatever you want but I think it's normal to have such dream right although it's the same one over and over again?

And too many times in life after I had that dream, I feel like I hate with the fact that life is moving too slowly for me. I don't want things to move too fast and not too slow as well. Like meeting up with the guy whom I'm destined to be with for example or what exactly that is going to happen to me in 6-10 months ahead!

And at times, I think I'm going bonkers; thinking too much of stuff and swallowing all the painful thoughts on my own and not share it with anyone. My alter-ego keeps on saying that I need a psychiatrist but my id says it's normal to have this. But as for myself, I still am the same person who don't know what exactly that I want in life.

So they say, this is part of life. This is part of being human.

So far, I don't like it that much. Honest.

2011-02-28T20:00:00.004+08:00

I really hope that this is the right path that I'm taking
I really hope that the rainbow will appear soon
too much of rain, it floods up my torn, small heart.

So deep that I'm drowning.
The wounds started bleeding again
and the rain gets heavier.

When I was about to see the blue sky to appear again,
the storm comes and darken the earth.

There goes that small heart
....drowned again, rained again, bleed again.

This is the story of a walnut brownie.

ini yang apa aku rasa

2011-02-26T10:23:00.001+08:00

bila rasa cinta itu sudah pergi. hati sendiri mengkhianati rasa. yang tinggal cuma kenangan dan rasa kesakitan.

oleh itu, aku tabahkan hati. cekal kan diri. menempuh rasa basi.

headphone ko paling besar???

2011-02-23T09:52:00.004+08:00

Too many times in my life I've seen people wearing their headphones while walking or waiting for the bus/train. I'm not talking the small, nice looking headphones but BIG, attention-drawing kind of headphones!

If you think you look cool wearing it, think again, no you're not!

It's cool if you're superbly, deadly, drop dead gorgeous/handsome but if you're fat (I have no problem with plus sized people, just the ones .. you know), you're a female, you're wearing hijab and most of all, if you wear tight shirt with tight jeans with hijab! you're NEVER cool but looking so odd!

Why can't you just buy the earphones and wear it underneath your Hijab? That would look more decent and sweet I think. But if you still insist on wearing the headphones, please behave! Don't go shake your booty in front of the public or singing out loud like you own the place or something. Especially when you have your Hijab on! When people stare at you it's not because they think you're hip, but they loath the scenery they have right in front of their eyes.

(I can still imagine the girl's face I saw this morning! euw!)

So, please although you have the highest level of confidence in you, save yourself from embarrassment will you? Act appropriately. Lady-like ke hape ke takleh ke?

2011-02-22T13:24:00.001+08:00

Aku sekarang dah makin pandai.
Makin pandai hide emotions!

Tak caya?

It's true. Trust me.

space invaders

2011-02-18T08:55:00.003+08:00

I've had too many times in my life people keep on invading my space and privacy. I'm not saying major, serious spaces and privacy like my room (one time) or diary or financial account but I'm talking about space in the train or anywhere that I'm standing at.

Of course, most of this invasion happened in train since I am in it almost 60% of my life/day.

So there was this one fine evening, I was coming back from the office with Pileggi's in my hand and a soothing Gamelan music going through my ears, there were not so many people, probably because it was already late, around 9 pm (workday), I was really enjoying the time in the train and while reading, while imagining and relating the stuff that happened in the book with where or what I was doing at the time. This little peace I had was abruptly affected when the train stopped and more strangers came into the train. A very loud lady age circa 23ish was talking to one of her friends about her "victory" in winning a guy's heart! By the way she spoke, I assumed that she's the female Casanova!

For the next 15 minutes, she was bragging about how she demotivated the "partner", how she was able to be in-control in the relationship, etc. Pileggi was no longer inside my head as I can't focus with the lines when loud, annoying noise kept coming into my ears.

Truthfully, I sometimes talk very loud too but the main concern now is that, she was not only talking too loud, she was standing too close to me as if there were no more space inside the train! She was literally resting her elbow on a handle steel that was really-REALLY close to my face! This situation is unbearable especially when you're concentrating on your reading and heading home hopefully in peace. So, the usual thing that others would do (the same like what I did) was giving her the stare. Yep, I looked at her and gave that quizzical look that says "what the f do you think you're doing?" but to no avail! She ignored the look and kept on talking to her friend and picked up a call and answered it like she's the goddess of Shiva! Pathetic.

Another space invading event happened yesterday in the train, again. Have you ever felt squeezed in between people when you're sitting down in the train? I was "sandwiched" and held "hostage" for about 15 minutes last night by two big-sized men! Don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem if you are a big-sized person or even a small-sized man! I treat humans equally but yesterday's "sandwiched" moment was inevitable. I wanted to get up but I couldn't even move my fingers that were probably stuck in between the little space of me and the the guy on my right. Grrreeattt.

But the best part of yesterday would be, after the two men got up, and out the train, there was this old, freaky man entered and sat down next to me. As usual, I continued on reading and ignored everyone around me. But the thing that I couldn't ignore was he was literally jerking off in the train, when there were A LOT of people around! He was moving, or maybe more of fidgeting and shaking his legs while touching himself, there! There were two girls standing in front of me and him (yes, he was sitting next to me), their facial expressions changed to disgust and probably....fear? At first I thought the guy was fidgeting because it was too cold inside the train or he's sleepy or he wanted to pee but when I realized the two girls' expression, and the other guy who was sitting on the other side kept looking and wondering what the heck he was doing, I quickly got up and looked at him with DISGUST! I asked one of the girl, is he really doing it and she somewhat confirmed it and kind of laughed at the situation....and I'm being the usual me, I yelled at him, "kat dalam tren pon sempat ke? dah la dah tua! terok betol kau ni!" (you can even "do it" in the train? you've got to be joking me old man!)

So, to all space invaders, are you guys seriously didn't realize this or you're just playing plain idiot? For everyone's sakes, please behave yourself. Tak malu ke?

past vs present

2011-02-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

There will be a time in your life when you feel some people are giving you nothing but bull crap. You feel like shit everyday when you wake up and how you wish that that person can actually disappear or just shut his/her mouth for a sec. As for me, I have that once in every month and if I am lucky, I'll have that loathing feeling of someone at least for a month.

At times, the annoyed feeling you have inside is just because you started to feel irritated. For no reason. Like when you are in the train every morning and a lady came in from KL Sentral station. So, maybe she just got back from a vacation; based on the backpack she carries and yes, she boarded the train from the terminal station but hey, do you really have to smell that awful early in the morning? Can't you at least change your shirt or spray some perfume on you? I know you are comfortable with yourself looking all trashy and not to mention, smelly...but do you really have to torture me with that odour of yours?

One more annoying thing that could've happened is when early in the morning, you got up so early, wearing the best working clothes that you have prepared the night before and end up had to go to work, walking from your house for 15-20km to the station. That is annoying because you have three cars at home and three people who can drive you but refused to because sleeping seemed better than sending your only daughter/sister to work for only 10 mins. How "soothing"...

Life can be overly dramatic at times when you are annoyed. You bang/slam the door in front/behind you, you make loud, angry movements, you don't smile and you curse one after another (of course, silently) and tell yourself that how you wish you could just shoot everyone. You'll feel at ease for a little while but the shitty feeling comes back the next day.

Sigh...

Every night when you come home, you have no one to talk to - on the phone, FB chat or at home, you'll have monologues with yourself. Not sure whether it's your heart or your head, your conscious or subconscious or whatever they call it, and these monologues are pretty miserable and pathetic. So, you updated your statuses, quotes, blog entries talking about how you're annoyed when people don't reply to your texts/calls and yet, the specific person still does not call or reply to your text. This makes you feel like screaming your head off and kicking someone in the groins!

What else that could be more annoying when you come back from work and no one to pick you up at the station but to either wait for the bus for at least half decade to start moving or the cab. So, of course, though it's a bit pricey, you take the cab and wishing that you could be home as soon as possible and settle down before going to bed. However, you picked the wrong cab! The driver is obnoxiously driving so slow and pissing you off! Then you see the bus that you were waiting for is moving ahead of the effin' slow cab and yes, you arrived late at home and have no mood to eat or to do anything else but to sleep. Waking up the next morning crankier.

The next annoying thing that could have happened to you is when you are in the office trying to be friendly and talk to everyone since you are new there. In hoping that if you just get to know everyone and explore how things are other than in your small world inside your head or at home, going out for coffee, or just for a little chat outside the office and the whole department is talking about you and the person (in this case, this friend is a guy and apparently he's mat salleh). So, people talk, give you remarks, and the look! What did I do wrong? Maybe I'll just sit quietly in my cubicle and don't talk to anyone. At peace.

And..be miserable all over again?

ps. this entry had been in the draft file far too long..so, this was how crappy i felt about life and the previous entry before this is how life so far! very different eh?

thank you

2011-02-13T22:52:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah.. Subhannallah, ya Allah. Thank you so much.

This year was not a bad year after all. So far, I can say 2011 is such a good start for me. Everything around me that is happening right now is just overwhelming. I'm so happy that I have ended all the miserable negative thoughts I had about life before and I'm deliberately looking at things with consequences and outcomes, positive vibes, positively challenging as well.

I know I'd moan about the challenges from time to time but I'm not perfect. I'd do it occasionally but I'll try to reduce it.

So, as promised, this year I won't be talking too much of looking for Mr. Right or marriage but I know I can't wait to have my own child. That is the one thing that everytime I go to weddings or see people with family/babies, I'd be so anxious to have my own. But I have faith in His blessings, in fate, I'll have my own one day. No pressure. Let's just explore the world. Let's just see what other things that I'm capable of doing.

Speaking of marriage, the circle of friends are slowly, one by one is biting off the dust. Yesterday was dela and tawam's turn and fie and naja will be in May. Love is all around. Tense and excitement are mixing in the air and I just hope that everyone gets their happy ending.

And to those of you who think I'll become a bitter, old lady who doesn't trust about love again, don't worry. InsyaAllah, I will not feel that way. I know true love is worth waiting for and it will come one day. God has His own plan for me. My love will come knock on my door one day and I'll take him for whoever he is and I will have my happy ending.

Goodnight.

the guy's name is ZAK

2011-02-11T10:56:00.002+08:00

The title of the article I came across 30 minutes ago entitled, "I need a new drug!" written by Zainal Alam Kadir from Malay Mail, 10th of February 2011 has actually made me opened up my eyes to the fact that, not everyone in the entertainment industry is shallow. WOW!

I have known to the reality that Alam is one of the most superb writer cum journalist in the pulp-material source industry. I still remember I read about him in the net about how hardworking writer he was when he first joined the News Strait Times Press (M).

Even when he hosted a few tv programs for the national tv and Astro back then, I have always been admiring his guts and wits. He's just an ordinary tv/writer guy in the entertainment industry but there is the X-factor in him that always keeps me to imagine myself to become like him (of course, the woman version of Alam).

The input he provides for the readers and viewers whenever he writes or hosts are rather captivating. Just like the article that I mentioned, he is tired of all the tedious gossips and made-up stories by the Malaysian celebrities and reporters who forgot about the reality of life about other people's misery that happens all around the world. I salute him for that. I admire him for his boldness. He slashes the others who are the same like him; writing about gossips, celebrities, other people's life and not worry about getting his ass kicked by those whom he criticizes.

Well, the country is still three steps behind the other developed nations out there. Therefore, it's hard to find those who are really brave to fight, to condemn or even to speak out the truth about others but Alam, he has his own column in the press to say whatever shit he wants to say and no one can do anything about it. He's telling the truth, he's blurting out the fact that there are too many people working in the media industry are rubbish. They gave an excuse that they are providing content based on what the readers or the viewers want to read/hear/see but never what they want to really deliver.

It really is frustrating to know this ugly truth. I have to admit that I buy newspapers just to read the gossip and the 'soft' news rather than the 'hard', serious news about politics, war and economy! That reminds me of how depressing the world is out there. Everything that involves people with dirty minds and unethical behaviors. The texts written in the 'hard' news space? - too scary to even finish!

So, when Alam wrote about how he feels about his fellow "colleagues" and how superficial they are especially when reporting irrelevant information about the celebrities, I know that the press is just rubbish. They are spoon-feeding us with rubbish and none of those things we read in the newspaper can actually be called, "information".

Let me just quote what he stated in the column; I don't know. Perhaps the entertainment business is getting a little too predictable lately that writing (and caring) about it is no longer joyful. He even said that he feels numb now probably due to too much of routine "artwork" in the newspaper.

Alam, if you ever read this, I just want you to know, your fellow reporter friends (especially those who write rubbish) are bullocks. So, please stick around, please continue writing because you really are an inspiration. You make me want to read newspaper though the contents are boring.

bila aku panik lebih

2011-02-10T21:55:00.002+08:00

semua benda jadi tak kena so, memang padan muka lah kan?

nak panik lelebih kenapa? bak kata kakak/abang senior, observation jek kot. ko panik lebih pun tak guna. dapat apa? kalut lagi ada.

ok lah aku ngaku, aku nih memang hati kecik. sebesar kuman yang cute macam kat pikachu tu.. shomell kan? tapi tu bukan pokok pangkalnya..dalam erti kata lain, aku ni dari kecik lagi memang penakut. tapi dalam penakut-penakut aku, ko jangan lah nak gedik meng-kesempatan-kan diriku ini. sebab, sekali orang provoke, the button's triggered, ko memang carik pasal! (okay, statement yang ni ambiguous. takde kena mengena dengan sapa-sapa pun. kalau terasa, ada aku kisah?)

so, apa yang aku dah pelajari dalam hidup aku sempena tahun arnab ni ialah, jangan kancheong lebih.

chill sudah. dah selesai pon. bangga jugak dengan diri sendiri bila bos cakap, awak akan jadik cikgu yang superb.

dah macam sabun basuh baju dah dengornye.

ailebiu lah bos. muka bos mcm aktor holiwud. harap-harap appraisal saya bos kasik up banyak sket eh. tenkiu.

perhatian!

2011-02-09T23:12:00.002+08:00

buat penumpang tegar kenderaan awam (elarti/iarel/repitkeyel/teksih/dsb),

sila ikuti panduan dibawah untuk keselesaan bersama (terutama orang lain dan bukan diri kau orang yang bengap tu):

biar orang dari dalam keluar dulu SEBELUM menaiki kenderaan
jangan berdiri/duduk/mencangkung/meniarap/atau yang seangkatan dengannya di hadapan pintu keluar/masuk kenderaan kerana ada BANYAK lagi ruang di tengah kenderaan
kalau pun nak berdiri betul-betul dihadapan pintu, ketahui lah satu perkara, kalau ditolak/ditengking/diherdik/dipijak kaki, terima lah seadanya sebab itu memang salah anda
jangan melawan atau memekak atau mengerang kesakitan apabila no. 3 terjadi pada anda
jangan pura-pura tidur atau buta atau tidak nampak bila ada wanita mengandung/OKU/orang tua yang memerlukan tempat duduk
sama seperti no. 3, kalau pura-pura untuk no. 5 terjadi, bersiap sedia lah untuk di pandang hina atau di tegur dengan tajam oleh orang-orang yang membenci anda
kalau no. 6 terjadi, sila ulang no. 4
jangan berborak di dalam kenderaan seperti kompeni kenderaan awam itu, bapak anda yang punya
sama juga seperti no. 8 jangan tidur berdengkur/hembus hingus/muntah/kencing/sendawa/merengus seperti kenderaan awam itu kompeni bapak anda
jangan cuba-cuba bertindak sumbang di hadapan pakcik/makcik/atok/nenek lagi-lagi kalau anda orang melayu tulen sebab ia kelihatan seperti anda haiwan yang sangat gersang
jangan berpeluh yang berlebihan sehingga berbau busuk yang meloyakan sehingga semua penumpang yang lain boleh kena sawan
jangan makan sate, nasik lemak, stimbot, nasik goreng pattaya, atau yang seangkatan dengannya dalam kenderaan awam
setelah keluar dari kenderaan awam, sila berdiri di bahagian kiri (tangga bergerak) untuk mengelakkan diri yang besar seperti hippo dari menghalang laluan orang yang nak cepat
jangan turun tangga 1km/j seawal 7.30 pagi kerana ada penumpang yang harus naik kenderaan awam lain untuk ke tempat kerja
jangan jadi manusia sampah yang membolehkan diri anda di maki dan di cemuh secara diam/terang-terangan

sekian.

penumpang tegar kenderaan awam.

ps. ini memang ada kaitan dengan yang masih hidup dan sebahagian dari hidup saya, penumpang tegar kenderaan awam yang penyabar dengan KLites, dan penumpang yang lain.

gua rocker beb.

8th feb 2011

2011-02-08T17:53:00.002+08:00

exactly a year ago, I stopped working in Perak and came back to work in Cyberjaya, where i'm working now.

today's the date and it has been a year. and today, the boss announced the big promotion (well, it's big to me maybe not to others)!

so, here's to years ahead and more to come!

freaks

2011-02-06T12:32:00.004+08:00

it's freaking tiring.

this life i'm talking about.

no one appreciates you.

no one tells you the truth.

it's freaking tiring.

this life i'm talking about.

keep falling in and out of love.

keep telling myself don't fall too hard.

it's freaking tiring.

this life i'm talking about.

not able to achieve what i plan for.

not able to speak out what i feel for.

it's freaking tiring, this life i'm talking about.

my life.

mahu tahu?

2011-02-03T09:54:00.002+08:00

ada suatu masa dulu, yang kita panggil anak-anak sekolah, aku punya teman-teman rapatku. terlalu kukuh persahabatan kita yang selalu ke mana saja, kita bersama.

pada suatu ketika di Indonesia, sebuah filem produksi kisah Ada Apa Dengan Cinta dimainkan di panggung, terus sampai ke Malaysia. filem produksinya bagus sekali tepat seperti kita di waktu persekolahan cuma bedanya tidak ada yang mahu bunuh diri atau kekasihnya pergi ke Amerika.

tetapi pergolakkan isu persaingan antara teman, cinta yang bisa dipanggil cinta monyet, keberantakkan antara anak-anak sekolah dan ya, yang pasti pencarian cinta antara cinta, teman dan keluarga, ya itu yang sama. aku bisa menghubungkaitkan apa yang telah terjadi antara kita sama sekali dengan yang kita nonton di tv itu.

terus, entriku yang kali ini, tujuannya mahu menjelaskan yang aku rindu sekali pada teman-teman sekolahan ku. kita sudah berjauhan. tidak seperti dulu lagi. segalanya beda. tiada lagi pergi sama-sama nonton, makan, minum atau gaul seperti dulu.

apa waktu persekolahan kita itu harus terus dilupakan?

adakah apa yang kita lalui sewaktu kita muda remaja itu cuma mainan?

aku akui yang aku juga sudah lupa pada janji kita sebelum meninggalkan sekolah tidak mahu terus berpisah atau melupakan kita semua. aku lupa, aku lalai. aku temui cinta, aku temui jalan yang aku bisa pilih, aku temui teman-teman baru dan aku lupa pada kita. bagaimana? kalian juga kan?

tapi aku tidak kecil hati. aku tidak marah kerana aku tidak bisa marah pada kalian. kerana aku rindu sekali pada kalian. kerana aku sayang sekali pada kalian. kalian tentu sudah lupa pada ikatan kukuh kita waktu sekolah dulu dan kalian pasti sudah mengorak langkah, meninggalkan apa yang dipanggil, ketidakmatangan sewaktu sekolah dulu tapi aku tetap rindu pada kalian.

tidak sama kan apa yang kita punya sekarang dengan apa yang kita punya dulu?

pasti ada yang bertanya, mengapa entri yang kali ini, penuh dengan bahasa dan bahasa Indonesia?

ingat suatu masa dulu, kita angan-angan, tulis puisi seperti penuh bahasa dan bahasa Indonesia. ini kan bahasa serumpun kita. jauh sudah aku menyimpang. dulu aku cinta sekali dengan puisi dan bahasa ku sendiri. aku tahu aku bagus dalam puisi bahasa aku sendiri dari bahasa jajahan. walaupun aku mengajar anak-anak bahasa jajahan itu, dalam hatiku, yang tidak akan pernah bisa terjual atau dibeli, bahasa kebangsaanku, bahasa serumpun kita.

dan yang paling utama kerana, persahabatan kita dulu, disamakan dengan mereka kan?

hey, lydia, atikah, yunn, bilot, azean, bihah, and bida, di mana kalian? my gang. aku kangen.

semoga yang baik-baik sahaja buat kalian ya?

Crappy technology can bring to crappy day!

2011-01-24T09:12:00.003+08:00

The photocopy machine is on strike again for God-knows what is the reason and it really is a bummer!

I was so enthusiastic to print out some stuff for the final exam and stuff. Apparently, the other teachers (be it, expats or no expats) had used it and broken it. "great".

They are going to moan about the crappy machine and I'll be crappy as well since I need to use the machine to print out/copy some stuffs for my class as well. Maybe I have to go up to Jojo's place and print from her office.

I'm not moaning or complaining, but hey, how technology has been affecting us so much these days that we freak out whenever that they strike out on us. This is not good.

Greatest invention of the internet can also be such a pain in the arse when one day the connection breaks down, no connection at all and you need to submit an assignment or as a matter of fact, you need to skype/chat/FB chat with someone - can be almost like the end of the world. Well, it is to me.

I have been a person who's born with technology all around me. I can't live anywhere without the technology i.e., the internet or Facebook! So, when there were rumours saying Zuckerberg's going to close down the social network, I freaked out!

What will happen to me if there isn't any of that anymore? Yes, I'm being a bit dramatic over this thing but it's true I am panicking. I really am hoping that it is just rumours and nothing serious about it. I don't even want to pay if Z is saying we have to pay for the social network in the future. So, please, remain still as where/what you are now.

I'm blabbering while looking at one of the IH teachers, E walking back and forth in the office, looking like a psych. Great.

And slowly, a pain in my stomach is growing and I don't know what the heck is wrong with it.

Au revoir.

What are you looking at?

2011-01-24T00:17:00.002+08:00

I'm hanging out with RJ mostly nowadays and we often get the looks on the people's faces seeing us talking and laughing over coffee or drinks or sometimes in the train. Yes, that really bugs me.

Why do people have to look at us? or perhaps at me that way? What? I'm not good enough that I can't hang out with an expat? We're just having coffee or drinks or maybe ice-cream..it's not the end of the world!

We are definitely not kissing or doing anything eye-sicking romance so why are you still looking at us that way?

Some of these days, I kind of just ignore the people but I know everytime we're talking and people looking, makes RJ thinks that Malaysians are too nosy or he's just scared that these people are going to attack him whenever he's too close talking to me. Poor guy.

But hey, I have so much fun hanging out with him. He has different views and opinions - about life, relationships, gossips, religion, everything.

He's a great company to talk to when I feel so sick of typical Malay men! (F).

But that's not the point. I know this shall pass soon and I'll be longing for F again. Hey F, I kind of disappointed with you. One after another.

Speaking of disappointment, I have a lot of 'em in my diary. Not about others but about myself. And if you notice, nowadays, I'm just writing craps and no longer organized points. Well, probably too lazy to relate the ideas or to even write one topic at a time.

In short, I like what I'm doing now, and with who I'm doing it/hanging out with now so, stop staring or gossiping!

chocolates and cigarettes

2011-01-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

one of these days, i'll grow old and i'll go.

i'm just still too young to fail. and too scared to sail away.

but one of these days, i'll go brave. yes, i will.

reading

2011-01-18T22:54:00.002+08:00

A little part of what I'm reading at the moment,

In the name of God, do your duty. In the name of God, believe Tom Robinson.

O inexperience teacher, O myself, do your duty because of Him and never take grudges upon others who you think are insignificant. Not even your students, not even yourself. In the name of God, believe in yourself.

2011-01-13T12:14:00.001+08:00

Ko bajet, ko gelak mcm tu, ko nampak kiut la?

Tolong lah weh! cukup-cukup nak fanning bos. Tak kelakar pun. Takde apa-apa lawak pun ok!

Geli tekak aku.

by the way, highway...

2011-01-10T11:42:00.001+08:00

aku baca balik previous posts aku tadi... aku gelak guling-guling sebab writings macam budak sekolah darjah ompek!

bengong.

where did i put it (me)?

2011-01-10T11:20:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I have lost one part of myself; the adventurous, impromptu, young and dangerous, wet and wild me! I can't remember where did I put that part of me. I've been trying to find it in all of the drawers, boxes and even files inside but I still couldn't find it. I have became too mellow and boring. I miss that part of myself so much.

Maybe in July this year, I'll try to find that part of me again. I know I'll see her again one day. And when I've seen her again, I won't let her go. I hope I won't become mellow again. Maybe a bit conscious about losing her again so I won't lose her.

Why July? I don't know. I like July. It reminds me all of the good times I've had in other July(s). Fun life is at peak during this time of the year. Every year.

So, cheers for July 2011! Looking forward to it!

Too angry!

2011-01-06T17:18:00.003+08:00

The only thing that is too fucked up that would ever happened to a girl is to be only a "friend" or the "girl-I-know" and not "the one".

It's always, "I think I like this girl I know...but yes, just like her. Nothing more than that." Or... "Hey, I like you but you know, it's been a decade/55 years of time that I don't date so I've been so used to myself of not going out with anyone or to report or to say nice things to or bla bla bla....." But the main thing is that you guys are just being jackasses and bastards about commitment and relationships. Screw that.

So, don't fucking give me reasons and excuses. Best, if you just stay the fuck away.

Infatuations my ass!

BIG HAPPY

2011-01-04T00:28:00.004+08:00

A bit too early for blog updates? Who cares!

Mission of the year is to search for BIG HAPPY!

Perhaps my happyness is not like what Scott Mebus was trying to say in his lovely writings but at least a bit similar to that. I have promised to a lot of people and even to myself, I'm not talking about commitments, marriage, settling down or wallowing this year but to just have fun.

Say hey! I'm on this mission whether mom likes it or not, whether you like it or not.

I'm going to laugh my ass off, I'm going to show my small teeth, I'm opening up my big mouth for gags, I'm going to be super hot and awesome and most of all, 2011, I'm having the geeky look! heck! I don't care!

geek pose #1

geek/happy pose #2!

p.s 4 down, 361 to go!

new year starts and..

2011-01-03T11:37:00.002+08:00

everyone starts their day working at the office..but me (or us?)!

Well, no students here yet (in LUCT) so we're having new staffs around and most of them are from England and nothing special about that.

Monday started pretty good with coffee and new year wishes and smiles from the bosses. So far, VERY good!

Looking forward for tomorrow as I'll be meeting my Hair Design students but I have the feeling that they'll be on holiday still so, I'll just prepare some boring handouts for them so I won't feel bored. ngeh.

And so I've heard, a lot of places around Malaysia had a wet morning due to the heavy rain. I wouldn't want that to happen but my place seems to be too warm! I'm flushed with the heat!

As I was saying, the newbies, them expatriates, they were looking all pink and red this morning! The AC is not working and so far, they seem not happy about it. Laugh at that.

So, last night was a medium happy for me. F called and we chatted. Glad to know that both of us are still in the same boat. Going with the flow and playing things according to the rules. I guess I'll have to cross out one resolution off from my list; forgetting Sarah Marshall.. eh, F.

Nothing about forgetting anyone but tj but I think, I'm doing just fine with that.

3 down, 362 to go?

Cheers.

merapu.

2011-01-02T19:43:00.002+08:00

Kalau dik ijjah, cakap dia tak ready nak embrace new year, 2011 lagi, dan masa tu hak setiap insan, aku tarik balik ucapan new year aku kat semua orang! ni sebab gara-gara aku banyak sangat baca novel sarcasm dan literature british yang tak membawa aku ke mana-mana yang membuat aku tak sedar betapa pentingya aku harus berubah menjadi manusia yang lebih menjual ikan (selfish) dan bersikap angkuh tentang kehidupan yang gah seperti hidup aku.

baiklah, aku taknak terima lagi new freaking "year" ni so, aku akan ambil seberapa banyak masa yang aku nak sampai aku ready nak cakap, hey, it's freaking new year now! walaupun dah masuk disember, 2011 nanti.

aku takkan lupakan 2010, dan yang pasti, aku TAKNAK lupakan 2010!

2011 hanyalah angka. it will only give me meanings when there will be meaningful events for it. kalau kawan aku pief, beresolusi sempena tahun baru nak tulis blog dan jadi manusia baik, aku seperti tahun yang sudah, nak tulis blog lagi tapi aku taknak jadi baik. i'm done with being nice.

aku nak cari BIG HAPPY aku jek 2011 ni tanpa ada niat terselindung atau mengatakan ianya adalah resolusi tahun baru aku.

kapish?

another new year?

2011-01-01T20:19:00.001+08:00

so hey, last year was a blast and early days of last year were crazy. let's hope this year is even crazier!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

mode: serius

2010-12-20T00:16:00.003+08:00

Hati gugup,

lidah kelu,

otak beku,

jiwa celaru.

Kau datang, kau pergi.

Sunyi.

Kau datang, kau pergi lagi.

Jiwa resah, gelisah.

Dalam ingatan disini, kau begini.

Dalam kekacauan, pengaruh syaitan, kau begitu.

Beda.

Yang mana satu? Bolak balik,

kepakaranmu?

Tak mahu seperti pisang berbuah dua kali.

Aku kini berpegang pada Marxist; pengalaman menentukan kesedaran.

Seharusnya aku sentiasa sedar

di mana tempatku, bagaimana rasa dihatiku,

siapa sebenarnya kamu, mahu apamu dari aku

supaya luka lalu tak kembali lagi.

Kau datang, kau pergi lagi.

Istikharah jalan penyelesaian yang afdhal.

Tapi aku berdoa, semoga kau yang punya agama,

adab keluarga, tradisi yang tidak berbeda,

menjadi jawapanku nanti.

InsyaAllah.

hey my precious baby...

2010-12-06T01:54:00.002+08:00

BabyAndMe.8
Uploaded by skyforall20. - Technology reviews and science news videos.

After I watched this movie, I just can't even wait any longer to see you my baby. Aigoo..

one by one..biting the dust?

2010-12-05T06:03:00.002+08:00

HACHOOM!!

After eating all those lovely nasi minyak, ayam masak merah, kari and rendang, it came across my mind that hell yeah everyone is getting mini handcuffs on their fingers. One by one!

It started with Sya -- the most "unsangkarable" person who would want to get married even before graduating! and followed by several others (who are our friends but not one of the circle of the sisterhood), to multiple, consecutive, turn-taking engagement started with Sipi Al-Idrus, followed by Fie, 'In, Dela, Masyi and Eleena (I'm not too sure of the sequence but you get the picture don't you?).

Last week was 'In and Ikram's wedding, this week is Sipi and Ijan's wedding, followed by Dila and Tawam in February, Fie and Safwan in May and others, I'm not too sure but will find out about it later.

So, here goes; Congratulations for the newly weds, happy honeymoon and to those who are getting married/engaged/anything related to the above, Congratulations in advance! Many happy returns and please, I want to see you guys produce babies, babies, BABIES!!

and here's the perfect wedding song for you guys!

how insignificant am i?

2010-10-15T11:12:00.005+08:00

The earth is round. The earth is big. Life is as big as infinity. The earth and life, both combined and led by humans, played by God. They are so big that the humans, who live inside it can be so insignificant that the other humans don't even realize his or her existence.

Someone can be famous. He can be known by the other human beings who reside in this so called life but the question is, how? By working his ass off? By proving to the world that he's a bad ass? Pick your vote. Which one.

Well, as for me, I'm a no body. I have never tried to prove to anyone that I can be somebody famous or important though that is one of my ambitions. It's not easy. It's just not easy to become significant. I'm not saying famous but being as important to someone else.

Have you ever encountered a situation where you thought you are the "earth", the "sun", the "moon" to someone but in the end, that hope or self-assuming turns you down? You are not really what or who you think you are. You are just an insignificant dot to no one.

You are so insignificant that you turn yourself in. You gave in to a war that was never salient. You raised your white flag and there it was, the end of the game of proving yourself as someone great. Or, in this matter, someone who is recognized by others.

It has been a couple of times when I fall down hard that I make sure that I lift myself up again trying to prove that the situation is so little and I shall rise again. I shall be someone's significant other or even a tiny dot that will make him remember me by the end of the day before he goes to sleep. I know it's absurd. I know that it is merely a dream but I don't care. I want to feel complacent with what I have now and with how I feel about myself.

Yes, it is true that no girl can be perfect and no man in this matter can be perfect either. But who are we lying to? You are so imperfect that you make other individual's life so perfect. True? Due to your imperfection, you can actually complete others. I always believe that God creates humans differently with one talent to the other. He will never give you talent and perfections at the same time. He's adil after all. Fair and square. So you have the money but in that so rich and famous life of yours, He surely will take one thing away from you that will make you realize, no one is perfect in this world but Him.

So, I've made up my mind. I know apart of all those imperfections that I have, there will be at least 3 or more imperfections or talent that I possess different from the other girls I know.

My current status in that so-called social webpage is about "white flag". Yes, I'm raising one because I know and I realize, I can never be that person whom another will have passion for and will be caress and loved due to the imperfections that I have so, yes, I'll just raise my flag. I'll just sit back and wait for the other imperfections to come and complete me and making me the significant other.

This is how I feel. It's not about being defeated but this is what we call, a reality-check up!

With this two ugly, incompetent feet of mine, I know where I belong. So, yea, I'm standing on the other side of the world and just look at how perfect your world is from here. Have fun over there and don't mind me here. You don't have to pretend that you like me just to make sure that I won't be hurt because I'm not hurt at all. I may be imperfect but my heart is as strong as steel. It broke once but I've sent it for some repairs and now it is perfectly healthy and strong.

Don't worry about me. Go on and be with the one that you should be with. I just don't belong in that flock.

si putra

2010-09-27T23:48:00.001+08:00

muka mintak penumbuk

3 rempit kampung

2010-09-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

L-R: Rizal, Nane, Sapik.

my men

2010-09-26T00:53:00.002+08:00

without you guys, life is empty.

2010-09-22T14:01:00.003+08:00

I read a tag that I posted as a note in my FB and I found this;

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? : all the time. i'm afraid of losing it.

and I keep on losing it. So, why bother trying again if in the end I'll end up alone again?

Don't take it serious but mildly serious?

2010-09-21T17:16:00.003+08:00

I know this is not new but I want to run away from this life. This hectic, pathetic life. What happened? How did I change into this? Where exactly is the real me? Someone, please, come and take me away. Yes, I'm sober when I wrote this. I hope to be sober in the next 5 years as well.

Pray hard for that.

perlu ke title?

2010-09-18T02:00:00.002+08:00

Selama 45 minit aku kat depan laptop memikirkan perkataan yang paling sedap untuk aku ungkapkan ketika ini, memang tiada. Setiap apa yang nak keluar dari mulut, dari minda, dari hati, cuma yang buruk-buruk, yang keji-keji. Aku ke yang ada mood-swing?

Lama dah aku takde mood-swing aku rasa. Monotonous jek feelings aku lately. It's either aku sappy sepanjang bulan atau aku cergas. Bukan happy, tapi cergas. Happy, gembira, girang memang susah nak dapat. Kecuali aku baru lepas jumpa nenek aku. So, basically bila ada orang yang baik hati melayan aku, aku rasa cergas. Cergas nak buat itu, nak buat ini. Ok lah, boleh dikategorikan sebagai happy tapi peratusan yang paling minimal.

Yang memeningkan kepala aku sekarang ni ialah, aku rasa aku bakal melibatkan diri aku dalam kancah tragis dan menyakitkan hati lagi sekali. Jadi, aku rasa nak back off. Tapi tu lah, kalau aku bagitahu kat si Syafiq tu, mesti dia geleng kepala dia sambil menyatakan sukahati aku lah atau pun ntah apa-apa atau pun, indecisive sungguh aku. So, I chose to write here. At least, tiada siapa yang faham atau nak komen tentang apa yang terjadi.

Celah mana yang diri aku ni tak faham-faham bahawasanya, what happened last time was meant to be as a lesson so that aku tak repeat the same mistake again? Serius cakap, aku kalau jadi orang lain yang kena berkawan dengan manusia macam aku, nama adibah, sure akan membenci aku seumur hidup dan taknak amik port dah pasal diri aku yang loser ni.

Ok, entri kali ni memang ambiguous. Tujuan dia ialah, nak bagi orang yang makan cili supaya terasa pedasnya. Tapi, at the same time, aku harapkan dia tak baca. Sebab aku tahu, dia takkan baca. Pelik lah kau. Aku susah nak faham. Kena lah tahu, aku ni bab-bab menangkap jokes, sarcasms, teka-teki ataupun apa je lah yang tiada kaitan dengan Gamelan, tiada kaitan dengan language, memang aku fail. Silap hari bulan, tahun-tahun depan baru aku rasa jokes orang tu kelakar sebab aku baru dapat tangkap. So, apa hal yang kau nak memeningkan kepala aku ni?!

Oh, and one more thing, this is me. This is who I am. You can't tell me what to do and what not to do.

woohoo!

2010-09-17T13:21:00.002+08:00

sumpah rasa nak melompat-lompat. tapi lompatan tak berapa nak kencang lah. lompatan kecil yang diiringi dengan letupan bunga api berwarna di belakang. lepas tu bunyi-bunyian lagu bermelodikan lagu victory. try beat that!

Perhatian!

2010-09-16T19:47:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Saya mencari bakal suami. Lelaki yang betul-betul komited dan berani untuk komitmen dan bukan boyfrenk/teman lelaki/teman tapi mesra.

Jadi, kalau saya tidak melayan anda, maksudnya, saya tidak "bersedia" untuk rencana anda kerana saya punya rencana sendiri.

Wallahualam.

benda yang sering terjadi walaupun hari raya

2010-09-16T11:44:00.004+08:00

Raya-raya jangan marah-marah, Bersabar dengan apa-apa yang datang. Itu lah pun tujuan kita hidup di dunia ni. Bersabar dengan dugaan dan ujian Tuhan yang maha esa. "Kalau pun perasaan marah datang, hadapi dengan tenang". Itu lah yang sering dinasihatkan oleh sesiapa pun. Tapi, semua nasihat tu, sebelum diberikan, haruslah juga dilihat dari perspektif, "cakap senang, buat tengok?" Bukan semua umat manusia kat dunia ni tiada khilaf pasti ada yang akan melatah bila musibah melanda. Sama lah jugak nya dengan aku. Tapi, lepas dah tersedar api kemarahan membuak melampau sangat, istighfar lah bukannya payah pun. Dah penat beristighfar? Manusia bongkak je cakap macam tu. Kalau dah kering air liur sekali pun beristighfar tu, buka account blogger satu. Taipkan apa yang tak puas hati tu. Tapi, dengan syarat, screen test lah dulu content. Jangan lah melibatkan diri dengan isu-isu sensitif perkauman atau keagamaan mahupun fahaman politik. InsyaAllah, hilang rasa amarah.

Kenapa entri semacam ini di hari raya keenam ni dipost? Well, kita manusia memang takkan dapat lari dari melakukan kesilapan. Sekuat mana pun kita cuba untuk tidak tersalah langkah, pasti akan tersasar juga. Lagi satu, kita ni hanya manusia. Walaupun kita lah khalifah Allah yang paling bagus dibanding dengan makhluk yang lain, bukan senang nak memuaskan hati setiap manusia yang lain. Penat sebenarnya kalau nak memuaskan hati orang lain je tapi bukan diri sendiri. Memang selalunya pun kita diajar untuk berbuat baik, layan manusia lain dengan baik, bersopan-santun, berhemah, jaga hati orang dan macam-macam lagi. Tapi, persoalannya, siapa yang menjaga hati kita?

Susahkan nak menjawab soalan tadi. Memang lah muda lagi. Memang lah kehidupan kat dunia ni tak habis diredah lagi nak tahu mana yang baik mana yang tidak untuk kita. Itu lah sebabnnya, kita dijadikan Tuhan hidup didunia ni untuk merasakan setiap yang manis, setiap yang pahit sendiri agar tahu mana yang baik mana yang tidak bukan? Cukup dengan pegangan agama, tunjuk ajar dan nasihat yang telah diberikan, InsyaAllah, dengan semua itu sebagai panduan, eloklah acuan. Ada yang tersasar jugak, cepat-cepat mohon keampunan bukan dengan siapa-siapa, tapi dengan Dia.

Jadi, isu tentang nak memuaskan hati semua pihak tak patut timbul kat sini. Puaskan hati sendiri dulu kemudian memuaskan hati orang lain tu akan datang secara naturalnya. Betul kan? Puaskan hati dan diri dengan dekatkan diri pada yang satu tu dulu, baru lah nak cakap atau nak menyuruh orang lain buat perkara yang sama. Pucuk pangkalnya hidup ni, semuanya berasaskan cakap-cakap orang tua, "cakap tu biar serupa bikin (apa yang dibuat)". Sama lah macam nak mendidik anak atau adik atau yang lebih muda tentang bagaimana nak menghormati kita sebagai ibu bapa, kakak, abang atau yang lebih tua. Tunjuk lah tauladan yang kita pun hormat, kita pun mengamalkan nilai-nilai murni tu sebelum nak marah anak/adik/yang lebih muda dengan mengatakan mereka tak tahu hormat kita dan sebagainya.

Macam mana nak expect yang lebih muda tu nak hormat kita, padahal dengan mak ayah kita sendiri pun kita tak cium tangan bila bersalam? Jangan buat-buat terkejut lah kalau suatu hari nanti yang lebih muda tu tanya, "eh, nape pulak salah saya salam macam ni? mak ayah saya tak salam macam tu pun..?"

fikir-fikirkan ye.

Choices in life.

2010-09-01T12:36:00.004+08:00

Life is all about decision making. Although it's true that all we could do is to plan and He will decide but still, you have to decide first what you are going to plan and how you want your life to be like, in accordance of ensuring your decision follows the original plan. You get what I mean?

Therefore, a lot of people who use the excuse of fate determines their lives are considered as bull crap. It does not work that way. Your fate is not determined by others and yes, solely true it is determined by your God. Then again, before you can actually rely on fate, you have to take charge of your life. True? If you chose to be involved in drugs nevertheless God has given you the lights and wisdom to get the hell out of it few months back, then, you will end up, trapped in your own decision. However, if you are able to get out from the deadly addiction, the seduction and allurement into getting involved with it again is not by fate, but by choice. You can choose to not to get involved again or to simply endure with the aftermath and eventually gain His blessing and be happy with your life.

Yes, it is as simple as that. So, don't tell me that it is a fate that you end up as a loser because it is not pre-planned by Allah that you will end up to be a sole loser or jackass or anything near that but it's by choice. Everyone was born with gifts, talents and strong credibility. And most of all, we were born with no sin at all. So, are we here to blame our parents, teachers or other role models of who we are today or should we blame ourselves for that?

So, think about it tonight. I know everything that happens to me is by choice. I'll make sure of the consequences first before I chose a certain path and even if I'm not sure, or by fate (now fate comes in), the consequences I predicted didn't go my way, then is when I will know. Therefore, no matter where I'll end up, I'll make sure that I can always come back to step one, to Him, my Creator, and beg for His forgiveness if that path turns out to be in sin and if not, I'll surely to thank Him for showing me the hikmah and life experiences along the way. InsyaAllah.

Are you aware of your choices? Or are you one of those people who leave your destiny in the hands of fate? Or are you just a sole lazy-ass who can't decide of what you want in life?

What happened yesterday?

2010-08-29T14:43:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a hot, steamy day. - puns intended. (heh)

So, today I'm not writing about anyone specifically and please, no more feeling awkward or funny as if I'm writing this piece about you. And if yes, you do feel like I'm writing about you, it's my blog and it's my rights to write whatever I want. Correct?

Hey friends of Teslians, can't wait to see you guys at 6 and talk about what we've been missing all this while. I've prepared my gears (my love, my cam of course) and my tummy to capture each and every moment with you guys tonight. And for those who can't join, too bad, because I would want to have a chat with you guys too. So, maybe next time in the future, we could have another gathering like this and maybe that time I'll bring my kids or hubby pula?

Yup, today I'm going alone. But of course, Amel and me are going together but not as date or whatever. And in fact, I'm supposed to write a 3 pages of review of a book written by Tan Sri and to be submitted tomorrow morning. But then again, procrastination is my middle name. So, I will try and write them tonight. InsyaAllah.

And what happened to yesterday's hot, steamy incident? Well, to be honest I tried to find one similar puns/phrase/sentence/saying/quote about it but none seem to be appropriate. All in all, I can say yesterday was only about cheap talk. Everyone can talk, I can, you can and even a child can but can you walk the talk?

And of course, this is what I teach my students everytime they want to do their presentations, know exactly what is your intention of presenting the fact? To inform? To persuade? To debate about? To argue for? To argue against? To sell yourself? To what?

So, teachers, let's walk our talks, and talk our walks? ---- trying to be funny.

dear boteng,

2010-08-28T15:12:00.001+08:00

Since that this is Ramadhan and tak baik lah aku nak doakan ko buruk-buruk..plus, i'm not that kind of person. so, listen to this song, and you'll find your way okay? be a better person lah sempena Ramadhan ni. sudah-sudah lah dengan penipuan. walaupun kami tak pasti, tak tahu kebenaran yg pasti, Allah tahu. He sees everything and He knows everything. Even in that small heart of yours. okay? Happy Ramadhan.

oy tupai,

2010-08-27T15:23:00.003+08:00

Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua.

You just wait for your turn one day. The whole world knows about this and how I hope that you see it for yourself. Do you think that people won't know you are a big fat liar? We know but we never say a thing about it not because we are easily trusting, but we are so goddam lazy to tell you and we want you to rot in hell. That's all.

So, have fun deceiving other people, because I'm done. I've had enough. You are just that big tin kosong. Making so much noises but nothing inside.

I don't want to pray to God that you get your cut one day, I just hope that you repent. Maybe, there's still hope. But I doubt it. Knowing you. Your ego is as big as your big empty head.

And, you're dumb. Like what your brother in-law calls you, arse-hole.

A haunting empty, blanked mind.

2010-08-22T06:25:00.002+08:00

I can't think of what to say or how to say the words correctly. It's like my mind is at its clean slate. Everything that came out sounds either cheesy or just wrong. I told myself, let's just keep quiet. Don't say anything. But that is not right. Not saying anything is also not okay. Then, people will start asking, what's with the silent treatment? Well, I'm known for silence when I'm not happy or at rage so I don't want people to get the wrong idea of it but I just don't know how to construct the words. It doesn't sound right.

Life has been upside down for me but luckily luck is still on my side. Not much but at least, I have some from winning after the last life event. Karma paid my part of life and I get other people's wrongdoings as my blessings. Well, so far that is what I believe had happened. If it's not true, I would like to believe that that is true. I like knowing the fact that the person suffers from his bad decisions and for that God is angry with him and give his good life to me in return. Do you get what I mean?

When someone asked me, are you leading a happy life so far? Well, of course. Life has been fair to me. What I did before was left in the box of regret. I shall not return to the old me and I shall never go back to the old state. The feelings are gone and what's left is only resentment. Regret over the bad decisions, wrong predicaments and stupid acts but that's what life is all about right? Making bad decisions and realizing it and improve. Is it not? Yes, this year itself was not a good start. I have encountered events after events. And this is me, getting up again, picking up the pieces of life that shattered and putting them up again, slowly, one step at a time.

In hoping of becoming a better person, I admit that it is not easy. I'm born to be a vengeful person. My heart is not as white as others. I may look like a kind person but deep down inside, I'm not. I have grudges towards those who succeed in life. I envy those who get whatever they want. I hate those who don't have any complication in life. Then again, I'm only a human being. I can never run away from the flaws. These flaws make me human. These flaws make me normal. I am still the same old person who will easily provoked, easily fall in love and have pity towards others. These flaws shall never leave. However, that old person of me grows slowly becoming bitter and stronger in life. It's for my own good. So they say, I have to be cruel to be kind. The one thing that I disagreed before. Now, I've started to understand. Thanks to the unpredictable life events.

I'm not saying that I'm a better person now. The flaws are not my strong credentials. Anyone who thinks they want to give me a piece of advice so that I'll change, I'll try to listen. I'll try to adapt. As simple as that.

The same with how I'm feeling inside. I know that I'm in the state of admiring someone. I know that at the same time, this feeling I have inside can also be because of the loneliness I'm encountering now. So, I'm not sure myself what exactly it is and how will it end. I do wish that it won't just fade away. I don't want to hope. I want it to just go with the flow but I don't want it to follow the flow and leave me when I'm stopping to catch my breath. I want it to last. I want it to at least give me a chance to feel alive again. To be happy again. To be me again.

I did say I have had enough. I've had enough with lies, manipulations and despairs. I don't want to bleed again but I'm a risk taker. I am stubborn and this perseverance shall put me in the same experience again and that I'm not too sure about. I'll pray that not to happen. That's all I can say about it. Don't want to talk too much of it. Oja always says this, don't want to jinx it. And I believe her. So, please, give me a chance to trust again. Gain back my trust. Gain back everything.

I hope to have a good day today.

if only that i have the courage to tell...

2010-08-21T22:05:00.001+08:00

a quick moment

2010-08-20T09:12:00.003+08:00

I don't know whether he's being truthful about it or what but my colleague, Matt, asked me,

"don't you have any bad day? how come you always smile every time I see you even when it's already in the evening?"

I laughed when he said these. Do I really looked that happy ALL the time? Well, Matt, he's an American teacher. He just joined us last two months if I'm not mistaken. Such a sweet guy. He's still adapting with Malaysia and the weather I guess. Surprisingly, when he said that, he's actually making me feel happier and more contented than I already am.

Thanks Matt. You've made my morning. Cheers.

2010-08-19T18:03:00.001+08:00

wey, Tuhan jek lah tahu betapa nervousnya aku sekarang ni okay!

A lady whom I see everyday

2010-08-18T11:37:00.004+08:00

Today I see her again. It has been almost a month now that I see her as I was waiting for Jo at the station. Every morning. I don’t know her name and definitely I don’t know her at all. She’s pregnant and by the look of her tummy, I’m guessing it's 6 or 7 months now.

The reason why I'm talking about her is that, from what I notice, she's not wearing any wedding ring. To top it of, every morning that I see her, it's her mother (or sister or aunt) who sends her to the station and not any guy who would likely to look like a husband or boyfriend.

And the heartrending part of it is that, she always have that sad look on her face. It kills me everytime I look at it. Makes me feel like hugging her and cry and tell her, you're such a brave woman. You are going to be a great mother. You will. I pray that the kid inside you will know how hard it is for you to carry him all alone and not having someone around to help ease the pain.

If only I could give her a hug. I will.

kamu jgn macam-macam ya F!

2010-08-17T23:32:00.002+08:00

maseh sayang? post yg mana? cuba bagitau sket.

layan snippet from my fave movie, crazy beautiful. lama gak tak nonton kan.

(nak post kat FB tapi obscene sgt..maklum lah bulan puasa)

jangan tanya kenapa

2010-08-15T13:16:00.002+08:00

aku rasa nak merepek. tapi situasi sekarang ni dah nampak terlalu matang untuk aku merepek.

macam ko main game application kat FB lah. ko dah cecah level 50 apehal, ko nak patah-patah balik pegi level 29 kan? unless, kalo ko pegi level 29, tiba-tiba rasa nak pro balik, ko pegi lah level 50 tu. tapi, tu yang payah. once ko dah naik tangga, ko dah penat, bila ko dah sampai tangga yg 50 tengkat tu, tak complacent lak ko kan? so, apa hal nak turun bwh balik semata-mata nak rasa macam mana feeling time kat tengkat 29 ye tak?

make sense tak repekan aku ni?

tapi, ni bukan tujuan utama aku nak merepek. aku nak merepek benda lain. stages, level, tangga, tengkat yg aku ckp ni, mksud aku, aku rasa aku dh tak appropriate nak merepek...

ANYWAYS.....................

macam mana tiba-tiba, ada orang boleh ckp aku ni suka jual mahal and sombong?! sangat bukan aku. kan?

lame tak update

2010-08-12T10:30:00.002+08:00

lama tak update this blog. it's not that i'm busy but as usual, there isn't anything to talk about. nothing adventurous or interesting happening so, life is mundane. the same old thing, the same old feeling but with new hopes. i guess.

if someone was to ask me, "hey, how's everything going with ya?" well, i can say, nothing much. i'm still the same ol' me. just like Homer. heh.

apparently,

2010-08-05T23:48:00.002+08:00

it was not me who screwed up. it's you. i'm tired of chasing. i don't want to chase after anymore. i'm worth more than chasing after guys. i'm worth to be chased after in return. so, yeah, whatever man.

i'd prefer to enjoy this song rather than chasing after the pavement that has no ending. it's damn tiring.

and yes, i don't think i'm ready to open up my heart and let it bleed again. so, wait up. maybe in 2-3 years time? if i'm lonely during that time, i'll make sure that my mind is occupied with my work. wayyyy better than waiting for "true love" - that's bull.

the sweetest of all.

2010-08-04T16:03:00.001+08:00

the sweetest of all...

hey you smiling guy,

2010-08-01T10:10:00.002+08:00

If I tell you that I like you, and I want to get to know you, will you please say that you like me too?

One thing that I learn in this life

2010-07-30T09:15:00.004+08:00

THEY are all the same.

THEY are so indecisive about what do THEY want in life.

THEY will come and chase us and make us feel wanted but THEY will start to run away when we stop running.

Today, THEY show us how concern THEY are towards us, tomorrow, THEY will definitely not going to say anything at all.

Sama je lah korang semua ni.

hari ini dalam history.

2010-07-29T10:37:00.002+08:00

Another good thing happen today. So kak Seri and abg Irfan have finally welcomed their new born child. It's a good thing that the so called predictions of when the baby's coming out didn't really fall out of the plan.. At first, kak seri thought of having the baby on the 26th of july so that it will be the same with her birthday, "26th" of september, or mine, "26th" of november! (okay my part, it was just a coincident) and the baby didn't come out as planned. so, they waited up until yesterday, and I remember telling abg Irfan, "tgk-tgk baby lahir 28th of july. "28th" as in "28th" of december, TJ's birthday. (yes, i know, i'm being hilariously funny). but still, the baby didn't come out. so, she came out at 6.30 am this morning, 29th of july 2010! so, welcome dearest child! you are on earth, in langkawi, MALAYSIA! and yes, you are half dutch, half malay, half indonesia, half jawa, and you are beautiful! (i haven't seen the pictures yet, but i can tell).

so, i'm declaring that today is a happy, non-stress, lively, and more to life day and we have to have CUTI! (okay, i'm making this up pulak)

what's more to be happy about other than getting "anak buah angkat"? well, yesterday, i have finally watched "Despicable Me". Yes, BEST GILA okay!

toodles~

i just don't want to screw things up

2010-07-28T17:16:00.002+08:00

this one time. sekali ni jek. i don't want to screw up. i'd enough screwing things up especially, those long term "accomplishments" i have achieved so far. will it be okay?

i will pray hard and please pray for me too will ya?

adibah, ko jgn bagi rosak plan okay? chill jek. paham?!

nak tahu tak?

2010-07-28T10:37:00.002+08:00

tadi aku pergi toilet. maklum lah, pagi kan. on the way to the toilet, i walked pass the glass class; the computer lab. i saw myself in it. dan secara tiba-tiba aku rasa,

HENSEMNYA AKU HARI NI!

okay, aku sekarang kat dalam office, admiring diri sendiri. aku pakai smart sgt sampai aku jatuh cinta dgn diri aku. HAHAHA!

apa hal aku hensem sgt wehh hari ni?